tis the season to be jolly

i'm not jolly. i bloody miserable and this idea that i have to be around people, smiling and faking and pretending i give a shit about life. makes me want to run and hide.

"hi how are you?"
"fine thanks, you?" and i've got to pretend to be happy and appreciative of life and happy to see them, happy to be there interacting with people.

when what i really want to say is i'm shit actually, life is one fuckn' big joke, i hate it, and i hate having to pretend i'm having a good time. and i don't give a shit how happy you are and that you can't relate to me coz i can't relate to you and i'm sick of pretending.

i'd love to be able to go up to people and when they ask me how i am i can turn around and say i'm shit actaully and i don't want to be here making small talk with you when i feel this shit.

ah.... fuck it....

daddy

who's your daddy. yes daddy. something about the word, being said to a man by a woman, or to a woman by a man. makes me cringe.
ain't noone my daddy except my daddy and that's not how i talk to him or think of him.

don't want some man to be my daddy coz i'm a grown woman, and i don't want to be his mamma. we move out of home for a reason and parents don't love children in that way ok.

sanchez

julio sanchez with his shirt off is the best episode. get to see the character behind the man, the arms, the masculinity. the acting. he breaks down crying in the end and there is something immensely appealing about a man who can act that out on screen. like wow. a tear or two is shed along with him. i want to hug him. soothe him. let him grieve in my arms.

then maybe make out with him if the feeling is mutual when he's recovered.

the sleazy doctor

i was 16 at the time. really sick with tonsillitis. had to force myself to go to the doctors, walk there 20mins one way. in my condition it took way longer. get there, see the doctor. he takes my temp, does the stick on the tongue thing, checks my ears and my chest. instead of putting the stethoscope on my back he puts it on my chest. i didn't have a bra on. i was too sick to do anything but throw on some baggy clothes and go. i lift my top part way, like above my navel and he tells me to lift it higher. i move it up about an inch or two. i see him try to bob his head low to look up, realise he can't do it without being obvious. part of me is thinking he's a doctor he's seen it all before. that's what they always tell us. so it's no baggy if he did get a look. anther part of me is thinking i hope he can't see my boobs. off i go home with a prescription for penicillin. ages later some mothers in my neighbourhood tell me he was removed from the surgery for inappropriate behavior towards female patients. docs like him make me sick. sleazy bastard.

riding to school with the cool boy

allan was the cool boy at school, the most popular boy in our year 9 class, popular in general. everyone liked him. the tall dark and handsome type. he lived across the road from me. we'd known each other since we were 8. we were mates, just mates, practically like brother and sister we'd known each other for that long.

i use to go over to his house and do times tables with him and eat his mum's home made donuts. his little sister was my best friend. when girls at school found out allan lived across the road from me they'd come over to visit and hang out the front hoping to catch a glimpse of him. he always stayed inside.

in class he and i joked about the 'thud' in the middle of the night. his flopping his chop out to go to the toilet. it became our private joke. me talking about how it was so long i'd ran it over on my way in to my house. him saying he needed a hose reel to reel it back into his pants.

one morning leaving for school he's out the front. pulls me up and asks me for a lift. i laugh because there's no way i can give him a lift. i'm not strong enough to dink him. so allan says he'll dink me all the way to school. no problem. and off we go.

i'm sitting on the handle bars, him doing all the work. i could hear him puffing in my ear, me reveling in his stamina and strength. super impressed with how cool and strong the opposite sex is. rock up to school like that and of course we're the talk of the town for a day.

birthday bonk

control gives you wings

she was playing games. she knew it, she acknowledged it. she knew it was necessary. for a long time she'd been having conversations about how intimacy with him was all one sided. all about him and what he was going to get out of it. rarely about her needs, her wants, her desires. no matter how often the conversation. it was a dead end situation, one that needed some twist on getting a resolution. previously she'd say it's not good enough, you need to stop trying for 4th base when by-passing 1, 2 and 3. then a situation like this would arise, special occasion, a couple of drinks, he'd think he's in like flynn. he'd be thinking sex is on the cards whether he puts in the work or not coz it's his birthday. he wouldn't put in the work. her organism and turn on would be up to her. he'd not play a part in it, no matter how often the conversation. no matter how many times she held back until he picked up his game, stating that she wouldn't put up with it, give in or give him what he wanted. not this time. this time was different and the occasion and drinks would not make her bow down. putting on a sexy outfit she grabbed the oil, dripped it onto her hand and touched herself to climax. he tried to touch and participate and she refused his advances. watch and learn she advised. he was turned on and a bit miffed at the same time. this wasn't what he wanted. he wanted in. after she drips oil on his erection and strokes him with her hand. at first he's ok until he realizes he's not 'in' and won't be 'in'. silently she grins to herself knowing that this is not what he wants, also knowing he doesn't give her what she wants, no matter how often the conversation (and he refuses to acknowledge it), so too bad. stiff shit. deal with it buddy. and watch and learn!

happy happy joy :(

i wish i was like other people. i wish i enjoyed life, felt happy, having a good ol' time existing. i see people around me, happy, smiling, loving life. glad to be alive. blabbering on about how grand their life is, how good their man is, their job, their family and friends blah blah blah.

i want to tell them to shove it!

i see pictures of people in their happy worlds doing this, doing that. traveling here, traveling there. making money, losing weight, or not caring if they don't lose any weight. care free. not a problem in the world.

then there's me. i don't work the way they do. i see shit every where. pollar bear numbers declining. elephants and rhinos being hunted for horns. kids abused. people treated like objects. men who are slaves to money. people fighting over religion.

not to mention my personal life which is a schmozzle. a lover who tells me crap things about myself, i.e. you don't dress sexy enough, i thought you were jealous of that girl because she's prettier than you .. and i don't know how i'm supposed to move on from shit like that.

aside from the fact that i feel really sad a lot lately and don't need that added extra on top.

been waiting for this mood to pass and it's still here haunting me. clinging on and on. all the while pretending i'm ok because that's what people want to see. having to hide my true feelings because noone wants to be around miss sad sack.

not sure the world is made for people like me...

lonely

so lonely, sad, bored these days. to the point of random tears just thinking about how empty i feel. how unenjoyable life is at the min. i want to be out and about enjoying life. instead i'm spending months, years doing nothing i like.

lost in a world of work. the odd dinner, coffee, social events a couple times a year, drinking, eating. no dancing. lots of sitting around small talking. the big issues are not on the menu. boring. snooze. wake me up when life get's interesting.
worse still, if i don't contact ppl they don't bother to contact me. invite me out. do something. feels like i could disappear and no one would give a shit. if they did give a shit coz i disappeared they'd be fake assholes coz they don't show it.

i seek deep intense conversation. out rockn up a storm. dancing for my beau. adventure. i'm dying without it.

everyone wants me to keep on living coz life is good and copping out is a no no. yet i'm sinking.

if they only knew how sad i feel. how empty. a shell. night after night no conversation. no dancing. no ppl. nothing i love in my world.
i've no desire to live this way and if this is the rest of of my life .. .. .. .. .. .. :(

the cock is a master key

"A woman is a lock and a man is a key. If a key opens a lot of locks, it is a master key. But if one lock is opened by lots of keys, it is a dodgy lock” 

there is so much wrong with that statement. firstly just because a cock can be stuck in a vagina doesn't make it a key or the vagina a lock. we are not an object like a door. using the word key as though a cock is some type of holly grail women all bow down for! pfftt!
it is not the 'key' that unlocks the door but the skilled user behind the key. it is the vagina that accepts the key and the user of the key has to work hard at being accepted, it takes a lot of giggling and getting it just right before the 'lock' is open. it's not just a given upon mere existence even though men think it's or should be this way through some warped sense entitlement for having a cock.
if you meet a girl who more readily accepts sex from a guy this doesn't make her a lesser being anymore than a man who wants to try stick his key into every hole.

men use the statement to claim some type of superiority over the lesser female. they way i see it. men want to stick their dicks in many vaginas therefore women's vaginas are the be all and end of all what men want. so it's vaginas that are the holly grail (not the other way around).

men rape women for control, you cannot take from us what we don't have, which means we (women) have the control. the fact that men seek out our vaginas either in lust, love or rape means we have something you men want. badly! and will do almost anything to have (including strippers, mens mags, prostitutes, internet porn). so how then are men some master key holder when it seems women are the one's with the goods you all want?

before making out that women are the lesser beings because they have vaginas and men are gods because they have dicks that they can stick into anything and everything... men should think about why they so desperately want to stick their 'keys' into many 'locks'.

it is the 'lock' that holds the power.

whats a decent word for a girl who sleeps around

i like to keep it real. tell the truth. put it out there.

guys being allowed to sleep around and it's cool. i grew up on that bs and i'm sure nothings changed. girls are still sluts, skanky hos, whores, bitches blah blah.

when i was a naive teen my aunty told me she had a friend who slept with every boyfriend she had. aunty could have been talking about herself for all i know. naively, i was shocked. like wow really, she's so bad! what made her do such a thing?

ha!

i grew into that girl. and you know what. i wasn't bad. a slut, skanky ho, whore, bitch or anything like that. i was a daughter. be a mother and wife one day just like everybody else. i was just a girl who liked sleeping with the guys. i dated decent guys. they were nice, treated me well, had interesting personalities, bodies, faces. were all different in bed. learned something about them or myself. not all were good and there were many i didn't sleep with. only the ones i liked, were long term, direct about what they wanted.

thing is it isn't this big bad thing we all go on about. why ain't no one talking about that. why are we not teaching ourselves any different. it's not just ok for guys. they're so friggen scared that we want to be like them in that way - have sex. do they know something about themselves that we don't?

guess they know when their eyes or mind wander there is something behind it and heaven forbid us chicks be the same; think we're just about punished for being the same as men (they must really be bad). for me it doesn't mean anything so bad. seriously i just like guys. they're cool.

i like the idea of experiencing different personalities and styles. don't know what makes me this way or if it's a bad thing? curiosity? spontaneity? love of a good man?

i'm no more a slut than you. no more a bad person than you (and if you know you're bad punish yourself not the lasses). 

super knicker lady

super knicker lady = is a super hero who wears knickers and is a lady

she was the hired dancer for the party, 4 hours for $600. not a bad gig. she'd done a few, no big deal. just anther party and another night of dancing. a job she enjoyed. she got the gig from a male friend who had found out what she did and recommended her for this party. a blokes 40th. 

the dance floor was set up as she'd requested. wooden dance floor, slippery but not too much. a dance pole in the middle. on a stage away from the crowd.

the party was already in full swing though she had half an hour before she was due to start dancing, so she grabbed herself a vodka on ice and sipped, watching the crowd. her male friend was across the room sitting at a table with a handful of ladies and men. sharing a drink, a laugh, a story. he glimpsed over at her and she raised her glass in salute, then sipped and turned to watch others in the crowd. people were fascinating.

when her song regime started she got up and stood on the dance floor behind the pole. she started doing her thing, a mix between techno and exotic pole dancing. the first song had a fairly fast beat, though others were slow. fully dressed in black pants, black stilettos and a black hoodie with 3/4 sleeves, a fairly tight outfit but not jarringly so. people needed to see her body move - without seeing her goods.

the crowd had gone quiet a bit when she started moving. the women watched making sure it wasn't some gross overtly sexual dance that would piss them off. the men watching hoping it was some overtly sexual dance that would excite them. her friend watched here and there noting she was nice to watch. her moves were hot without being crass. he remembered dancing with her all those years ago. she was still as sensual now as she was then. she seemed lost in her own world. men and women got up to dance on the dance floor in front of her stage. after 2 hours she had half an hour break, time for another vodka on the rocks. then back to dancing for anther two hours. sometimes fast, sometimes slow. it was a long night but she loved it.

at the end of her shift she headed to her car. payment, music in handbag and stilettos in hand. now in comfy shoes. a man from the party came up behind her with two other mates behind him. he made some comments that let her know his intentions weren't good. she opened her car door to get in and they set upon her. two grabbing her, the third opening the back seat of her car and shoving her in. he was saying she was hot and he knew she wanted a piece of him while his mates jeered outside the vehicle. keeping watch. three couldn't fit in the back seat.

unbeknown to the man on her she carried an open switch blade on the car keys she was holding in her right hand. fumbling for the blade, she poked it into his groin and told him he needed to send his friends away. he panicked and snarled, realising she had him by the short and curlies. he could try and hit her or something but wasn't sure he wouldn't lose his member in the process. it wasn't meant to be a bloodshed thing. he told his friends to get lost and they began walking way, hesitantly. she told him he needed to get out of the car. he did so. she hopped out with knife in hand.

her male friend was now in between the other two men telling them the police had been called. the men left. seeing she had a knife he grinned and raised an eyebrow.

her friend walked up to her saying he thought he'd see her to her ca safely. she kissed him on the lips and he let her. then she thanked him and hopped in her car. as she drove away her heart was pumping and her knees were shaking. she'd warded them off. still that was a freaky situation she hoped would never happen again.

memory is not fact

you think maybe that person didn't like you when they did. or that other person liked you when they didn't. somebody bullied you and when you confront them they don't even remember you let alone all the pain they put you through. parents hurt you, call you names, abuse you and when you confront them when you're older they can't remember doing it and deny it ever happened. you thought they were crushing on you big time & it was something really special, only to find years later they hardly remember you and think you're nuts for still giving a shit. you think you remember it so vividly. you think the other persons does too, in the same detail as you. and they don't. someone comes up to you and asks you why you did this or that and you can't recall doing it, while to them they remember it like it was yesterday. memory is not truth, it's not always accurate, it's not always fact.

she's no more ho than the bro

heard the story about a girl who went down on a guy at a festival. it's all over the internet. what a ho she is. a slut. people bagging her out. bullying her behind computer screens (cowards and hypocrits as though they've never sinned in their life - and is it a sin?)
a lot of talk about double standards.

she's a ho because she did that to him. he's just a bloke taking it like a man. he's the hero who got a blow job while she's the skank who gave one. personally i fucking hate blow jobs, hurts my face to give them so good on her for being able to give a man something i have no great desire to.

there's talk about her doing that in public. gotta be some sort of tart to pull that shit off. well what about the guy getting the blowy in public. why's he not shamed and blamed for being some shanky ho piece of shit? he obviously wanted it. no one around at the time had a problem with it. they were all happy for her to do it. now that it's done everyone's got some thing against her.

ok so her daddy won't be proud (who knows, maybe he doesn't give a fuck). but are his parents any more proud?

let's turn the tables a bit. there are guys who would say no to a girl doing that to them in public. why is this guy different? what it is about him that makes him say yes when others would say no? what it is about the bystanders that make them say it's ok (at the time)? are their morals lacking? then again is it really that big a deal morals need come into play? why is it not ok for her to like giving oral sex but ok for him to want it? because it was done in public? yes, but he did it in public too!
why are we shocked that she did it (and evidently, trial by social media, shouldn't have). yet we're not shocked that he did it (but evidently should - you go bro!).

assuming we don't hate gays as much as sluts would it be any different if two blokes were doing it? who would be the slut then? maybe they both would because we don't like gays either. so pretty much if you're not a heterosexual male getting the blow job -- you're a piece of shit society wouldn't wipe off the bottom of their shoe.

60 odd years ago both the girl and the guy would have been shamed and blamed for being caught doing something like that in public. it would have been humiliating for both, parents and society would have hackled them both. today only the girl gets shot down in flames, bullied, harassed. the guy is a rock star.
obviously guys think it's ok to get blow jobs at festivals so it stands to reason girls might also think it's ok to give them. the reasoning that makes him think it's ok is the same reasoning she thinks so too.

point is: there were two people involved so why just pick on one? there were stacks of voyeuristic bystanders, why aren't they to blame? why aren't they perverts deviate pieces of shit for watching the free peep show?

before hanging a girl and labeling her a slut how about looking at all the factors involved in how a situation like this came to pass.

the natural order of things

i had a conversation with a man who told me women were put on this planet as a thing of beauty, to be admired and revered by man. he said all men know what other men are like which is why they're protective of their daughters and girl friends and wives and want to rush out and buy shot guns. men know it, they deal with it. it's the natural order of things.

men are confusing what they're doing, how they're treating women with admiration and being revered. man knows what he wants when he thinks of himself being revered. it's being good in his field, it's being a good man. it's not getting shoved over and done up the ass.

if all men revered women in a good positive way, the way men want to be revered, there would be no need to get your guns out. instead of 'dealing' with it repetitively deal with it by changing the status quo.

if we're going to talk about the natural order of things let's also talk about how women are wired. we like to admire men equally as much. if a man walks past us shirtless, or handsome, or smiling, or fit and even young. we like to take a gander.

we watch our favourite tv shows because there is someone there we admire, someone we like, looks, personality, humour. it is a fact that many men intrigue us and we are not all prone to just fancying one. this doesn't mean we're going to rush out and fornicate with every man we like, just as men don't with the women they 'admire'.

women admire the male form just as they admire ours so why aren't they offering themselves up to be revered in the same way? after all it's just the natural order of things.

is man really king of the beasts?

people talk of man (this includes women) being the most adaptable species on the planet because we can build sky scrapers and research cures for aids. we have electricity and cars. we can move water. we can make children for those who otherwise wouldn't be able to have any. we can outsmart other animals who are faster, stronger and more dangerous (debatable) than us.

we're supposedly more enlightened, more intelligent. we've come a long way in what we've developed and created for ourselves.

yet we're still so unevolved.

for all our smarts we haven't figured out pesticides are bad and killing off the bees. well, we do know it and we're still doing it anyway so how clever is that?

for all our smarts we still haven't figured out how to plant crops in a way that doesn't wreak havoc on the land which then stops new crops from growing. funny because we knew how to do this before.

for all our smarts we still haven't figured out large chemical companies need to be shut down. that chemicals in all our stuff isn't actually good for us.

for all our smarts we've failed to keep pornography in check. even now when we know the damage it is having on society we'll still keep going. how clever is that?

for all our smarts we're yet to realise sexual objectification against women is harmful to society, that rape and porn culture are harming the way we treat women and children. but let's keep it going because it makes money. for all our smarts we haven't realised the 'money rules' thing is wrong.

for all our smarts we fail to see that censorship needs to exist otherwise let's just bring back public hangings, burnings and be-headings.

for all our smarts we've failed to keep sex-trafficking and human slavery in check. in fact it's growing and we, in all our infinite wisdom, are failing to stop it.

for all our smarts we cannot fathom that factory farming is cruel and unnecessary and no profit is worth that kind of pain and horror.

for all our smarts we still haven't figured out greed is wrong. we still have't figured out there is enough to go around if only we shared and we haven't figured out a way to entice people to share, a way that forces people not to be greedy.

for all our smarts we haven't figured out a decent school system. one that teaches our children how to treat others respectfully, one that teaches them about the wrongs of bullying. we're more focused on math and english and not on ethics. one that teaches our children real sex education. not just how to stick a condom on and where the penis goes but how to know if a girl is ready, how to actually have sex in a decent and respectful manner.

for all our smarts we haven't figured out a way to live that doesn't damage the environment and the planet. we haven't figured out a way to live that doesn't damage each other. we haven't figured out a way to live along side one anther peacefully.

maybe man is king of the beasts because he is the best and being beastly?

sexuality what are we so afraid of

seems like today we're all confused about sexuality. what's it supposed to be for? procreation? fun? taken from people? thinking of people? not thinking of people? gay, not gay? prudish? out there? what's in between, is there a balance?

what are we afraid of?

are men afraid they won't be able to control it

that it controls them, that it's too strong, or not strong enough

that it doesn't control them or shouldn't

that they'll lose it

that others won't like it. that they'll hurt others with it

of gays what are we afraid of? what are they afraid of?

that we'll catch it, that it's wrong. an abomination (such a harsh word)

god does not forgive those who are - and therefore nor should we

we fear gay men more. gay women are acceptable if it's too chicks getting it on

with women what are we afraid of?

that they have sexuality. what does them having it mean. that they like sex. that they want it. that they might want it from lots of men the way men want of women

that they shouldn't have it, or should

of women what do they think of their sexualities?

it's wrong, they shouldn't have one

that it's there, deal with it. it's alright it won't hurt you

it's alright it will hurt you. that others won't like it

what do others think of others sexuality?

scary. fearful. awesome bring it on. it's too much tone it down. it's not strong enough. it's wrong and ugly.

sexuality has become a mind field of variables and what ifs

burning witches

the witch burning days are gone. so is throwing them in a river to see if they float. we no longer believe in evil witches, girls with moles on their necks, that need to be burned at the stake.

we're also no longer feeding catholics to the lions or watching public hangings and beheadings. no longer placing humans on stone slabs and removing their beating hearts to appease the gods. not lynching black slaves or pushing aborigines off cliffs. 

we've come a long way. for all appearances we seem to have evolved into better human beings right.

not quite.

we're now pouring battery acid on women, stoning women to death, cutting up vaginas (and penises), hating on women, hating on each other. hating on gays. hating on races and religion (still). we've got a porn problem and women and children have becoming a commodity to sell use and abuse. women, girls and boys are for sale, like it or not, nothing you can do about it. we're kidnapping young girls and holding them hostage for days, torturing, raping and killing them in seriously bad ways. still marrying little girls to old men. still selling virgins to the highest bidder. we're treating women and children so badly and it has become the modern way. once upon a time women and children were the first off the titanic. now they're the first to be abused and hurt. coz we're hurting men too and they're fuckin pissed off.

maybe that shit went down in the dark ages too. always been that way.

we think we've evolved. if bad shit happened in the old days and it's still happening now we didn't evolve. if bad shit didn't happen in the old days and it's happening now we've devolved.

we're not superior beings either. if only a handful of the population are shitty and we can't stop them we're inferior. if only a handful of the population are shitty and we don't want to stop them we're inferior. if most of the population are shitty then we're inferior because we've already lost. more so if we can't or won't stop them.

we say the year 2013 like it's so advanced compared to 800AD. is it really?

chasing the dollar

growing up money was scarce. didn't have much. not poverty stricken. poor. in between finishing school at 3:30pm to dinner time at 6 there was no food to eat and i felt starving by dinner time. in high school i had one pair of pants to wear. had to wear them every day 5 days a week, wash them on the weekend and wear them for another 5 days. hated having so little. couldn't wait to grow up and be rich.

worked as soon as i was old enough to get a job and saved up money, had money to buy things, felt better about not being poor any more. liked the independence and didn't care that i gave up much of my social life to work and save up money.

having money was all i cared about since i thought it would buy happiness.

it doesn't by happiness. now i've got money. a fine car. large house with all the trappings. great job, work for myself. fine looking man who travels a lot so i have my own time, my own space, yet he is there to lean on. life is good. i'm living the dream. people see my world and know i've landed on my feet.

and yet i don't feel happy. i don't feel satisfied. yeah sure there is comfort in not having to worry about if i can afford food, insurance, bills. i've rolled in the gutter before trying to make ends meet, trying to scrap together enough funds to feed myself and keep a roof over my head. life wasn't always this carefree. and still i don't feel content. don't feel fulfilled.

in fact i feel the opposite. i feel lost in a plastic world i've created and can't escape. even if i could escape i don't even know what or where it is i want to escape to. there is nothing tangible in my world, nothing to reach towards that says *happiness*

i should feel happy yet i feel miserable and can't fathom why? what is missing? where is this elusive happiness and why didn't money buy it for me?

rough neighbourhood

the pines is a tough place to live. it's where the bogans live. the doll bludgers. the single mums. drugos. tough rough kids living tough rough lives.

at 13 i got sent up the street at about 6:30 at night to get fish and chips for tea. as i'm walking i see a group of girls on the other side of the street. i'm nervous because i know what people are like around here. they're on the other side of the street so i think i'm ok. then they cross over and walk towards me.

i'm thinking uh oh here we go. when they get closer i can tell they're going to start trouble so i back up against a high fence the way dad taught me. stops me getting surrounded and then i can't watch my back.

there's about 6 girls lead by a girl i know is my neighbour though i don't know if she knows who i am. they push and shove me and start saying things like 'i heard you called me a bitch'. i didn't and they know it. it's just a way to pick a fight. i stand my ground, head high, not biting back. waiting to see what they do. hoping they don't take my money.

one girl takes a swing at me punching me in the face. the punch is dodgy, pathetic. doesn't hurt. i barely react. the girls think she's hit me hard and i'm a hard ass for not flinching. they decide i'm no fun because i'm not cowering or crying or acting scared. they tell me not to call them anything again and walk off.

my heart was pounding and my knees felt weak but i showed no fear. i was thankful they didn't take my money because i was worried i would have to go back home and tell what happened. i get the chips and walk back in later like nothing happened.

sexual revolution

The sexual revolution (also known as a time of "sexual liberation") was a social movement that challenged traditional codes of behavior related to sexuality and interpersonal relationships throughout the Western world from the 1960s to the 1980s. Sexual liberation included increased acceptance of sex outside of traditional heterosexual, monogamous relationships (primarily marriage). Contraception and the pill, public nudity, the normalization of premarital sex, homosexuality and alternative forms of sexuality, and the legalization of abortion all followed. - Wikipedia

it's before my time and yet i am, we all are, affected by the sexual revolution fall out.

with violence, sexual exploitation and objectification of women increasing what ever they were trying to achieve with the sexual revolution hasn't worked. women are still seen as the lesser sex. yeah sure we have more women in power these days and this is getting better. but... objectification of women and girls has become so mainstream and widespread it's pandemic.

some of the stuff they rallied for are good things with good results. yes we should be able to say the word vagina, yes would should be focusing on women's sexual pleasure as much as mans. yes we should discuss the clitoris and have it written in Grey's Anatomy. women being able to access contraception, have rights over their own bodies. being able to have sex before marriage coz if it's alright for men it's alright for women. my dad was strict, not allowed to sleep with boys before marriage coz boys want to marry good girls. one time i asked him why boys could have sex before marriage and girls couldn't. he said boys want to be experienced in bed when they marry. i asked, if boys are having sex before marriage and girls have to be good then who are the boys sleeping with?
i knew things weren't equal and this wasn't right. if boys could have sex before marriage then girls should be allowed to as well. if a boy who slept around was a stud then a girl who slept around shouldn't be called a slut.  stud is cool, slut is bad. i didn't like that.

supposedly we're more liberated and have more sexual freedom than other countries and yet we're still consider sluts if we sleep around, if we tart ourselves up the way we're taught guys want, when we appear in porn mags and films that guys make for guys? it doesn't feel liberated. it's feels like trapped in a vicious cycle.

i can't help but feel it's the public nudity part that fucked things up, the stupid notion women came up with that we should be allowed to show off our sexuality by getting naked, coz supposedly this is the only way of showing we're sexual beings. huh? the way women chose to show women's sexuality is flawed. to me it feels like giving men exactly what they want and it back fired on us anyhow. probably coz men's attitudes towards women suck and we need to change their view of us first before we go all out with the nudity (oops too late). Christine Agulea made the video clip Dirty saying men are allowed to be sexual in their video clips (she used the reference of an r&b singer who has a female going down on him in his video clip), saying if guys can do it so can she. she wanted to show that women are equally sexual. couple things wrong with her logic. 1. guys are not being sexual when they objectifying women. 2. CA is objectifying herself and bringing other women down in the process, which is exactly the same thing as what the men are going to us.

shows that were on in the 70's were really sexist towards women. not really sure how sexual liberation has helped girls and women since then. seems things have only gotten worse.

that vicious cycle i speak of goes like this. women try to liberate their sexuality by fighting for rights to get naked. men turn this liberation back on us by sexing us up. they figured if we want sexual liberation they'll give it to us by taking away our power (and trying to reclaim their power because they see us being sexual beings as dis-empowering) by turning us into sex objects. if being a sex object is sexually liberating i want no part in it.

have we really got it right

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rage against the machine

they think i'm stupid you know. they think i was too young to know what was going on. they think that little girls, and boys, aren't aware of the adult world and how it shapes us. but i knew. i knew the whole time.
i knew every nude scene and sex scene i ever saw was one sided. i knew it was uneven and unfair. i knew it made me skirmish and get a knot in my tummy. nothing happened to me when i was little. i was never molested. sex was not taught to be a bad thing. i had no ideas about sex and nudity. i just knew what i saw was uneven and unfair and it didn't like it.

now i'm grown up and it's still the same shit and it still pisses me off to the point of wanting to rage against the machine. chop some heads off. make heads roll. change the fucken world and the way things are done.

i get told i'm a prude who doesn't like sex.

wiki: A prude (Old French prude meaning honourable woman) ^[1] is a person who is described as (or would describe themselves as) being concerned with decorum or propriety, significantly in excess of normal prevailing community standards. They may be perceived as being more uncomfortable than most with sexuality or nudity.

i'm not a prude. i do like to have decorum and class but i'm no prude. you only need read my blog to see. i've got a handful of provocative pics on here as well as sharing sexual fantasies. i love sexuality and nudity. i like sex and i like being creative, role playing, sexy dancing, putting on a show. in fact i do more sexy things than my friends do. i'm comfortable with my body and being naked in front of people. 

i get told nudity is normal. well in point of fact female nudity is normal. male nudity is not. so nudity is not really normal. it is one sided.

i get told men's bodies are too gross to be seen naked. females have beautiful bodies (and therefore should be on display?) um, you're only saying that because you're a fat ugly man who doesn't think his body is worthy of anybody seeing. or your husband is fat and ugly and you wish he'd keep his clothes on. it's all cock and bollocks (bullshit incase you miss it). men's bodies are equally as alluring and there are many bodies worthy of being seen. equally as hot. men are strong, masculine beasts who should be on display just as much as females if not more. stop hiding behind the ugly card and get your fucken clothes off you cowards.

i get told sex sells. well duh. but here's the thing it also sells to women. lesbians have said they like the nudity factor. well of course they do. they're getting what they want and men are getting what they want. but (non gay) women aren't getting what they want, what they're entitled to. and men wonder why we're so pissed off about female nudity. it's because we don't get the same privilege and it's bullshit.

i get told, "the man was naked too". yeah from behind. i got to see his arse. whoopy fucken do. i see the girls boobs, her pubic area. and i see his bloody bum. or get a 2 second screen shot of a blurry dick. big thrills!

as soon as i see a show when the woman gets her gear off and the man doesn't, or all i see is his arse while she is fully nude, or the woman does full frontal nudity i want to start shooting people. ok not really but i would like to take apart or take down the sexist unequal misogynistic chauvinistic industry.

i get told i'm crazy too. actually it is a fair and reasonable request that both male and female nudity be given the same amount of air time.  not 2 minutes for her, 2 seconds for him. if the female does full frontal nudity for 10.3 seconds so should the man. if all we see is a male buttocks then that's all we should get of the female. and eye for an eye a sexual body part for a sexual body part. if we get to see tits and vaginas then bring out the dicks. in fact as soon as tits are out we should be seeing a male sexual organ since boobs are a sexual organ (let's not kid ourselves and pretend they're not - coz if they weren't you all [men] wouldn't be so bloody eager to see them).

stop hiding behind the bullshit and lies and get honest with yourselves. there is some other reason, agenda, why women are naked all the time and men aren't. time to turn the tables and make it even.

what tv teaches us

• it is ok for a woman to verbally abuse, insult and belittle a man and treat him like a idiot - this is our way of paying men back for the sexism we've lived under for generations
• to be liked as a woman you must be sexy, slim, big breasted and a tart
• it's perfectly normal for women to be undressed while men remain dressed 
• 1: maybe the female form is something to be revered and idolized
• 2: maybe it's a way to keep women under control by sexualizing and objectifying them, a punishment for women saying they want sexual freedom and equality
• if you're a geek you'll get a hot babe if you use the right aftershave
• ugly overweight men get hot chicks
• hot chicks date ugly overweight men
• men are ugly, women are hot
• music clips are about adult themes, mild course language, mild violence, sexual references - and it is ok to show them during prime time children's viewing
• if you're a guy featuring a half naked women in your music clip you're successful
• men like, want and admire sexy women who get naked (they don't disrespect them for being shanks)
• girls are always ready for sex
• a kiss gets both parties in the mood for sex
• no need for foreplay
• young girls must grow up wanting to get naked and have sex
• young boys must obsess about sex because it is the ONLY thing worth while in life
• posting your own porn video will make you famous, admired, envied (even though we all have sex and it ain't that big of a deal)
• crime pays - Underbelly teaches us that; drugs, money, mafia all equal lots of sex
• lots of sex is success
• if you're a man you don't need to be good looking to be great
• if you're a woman you need to be good looking to be worthwhile
• even if you're a beautiful woman you will never be enough to satisfy your man's sexual and visual appetite, pity to all women who aren't good looking because you will not even nearly be enough to satisfy your man
• if you can't please your man you're a failure as a woman (yet his sexual appetite is insatiable and you'll never be enough)
• if you're a man and you don't treat women like sex objects you're a failure
• if you're a man and you don't raise your sons to objectify women you're a failure
• it's a woman job to raise her daughters to treat men like idiots, to nag and find fault and hate and judge
• yet you have to be sexy at the same time or else men won't want you
• if you're a man and you're rich you'll get the woman and that equals success
• all Americans live in large multistory houses that are immaculately clean
• if you can't keep your house clean you're a failure as a woman
• 
  
  

dying

there are things i really hate in this world.  things that i despise.  things that really piss me off like nothing else!  other people are not so apposed to the things i'm opposed to.  to them it's normal and i'm the odd one out.

because others aren't as pained about it as me it will never go away.  never be changed. eradicated.  in fact most others (men mostly) think it's all bloody terrific.  it's a man's world.  made by man for man.  they get everything they want regardless of who they hurt.  they want child pornography they get it.   what ever their heart desires they get.  it's theirs to enjoy no matter who gets hurt, chewed up and spat out in the process.

not begin able to change it, eradicate it, leaves me feeling powerless and meaningless, worthless as a human being and what little rights i have.  not being able to avoid it makes me furious.  if it was something man hated it would be gone.  no one would have to deal with it.  when i think of all the men in my life who will never have to confront any of the things they truly hate while i have to endure this on a daily basis for the rest of my fucking life, i want to rip people's heads off.  i want to go vigilante and changed the fucking world!

but i cannot change the world.  i cannot eradicate the things i hate.  there are far too many who are not opposed and i'm the odd one out.  there are others like me but we are few and they are many.  when i think of this and having to face this shit for the rest of my life i feel like dying.  only then will i escape it.  only then will i be rid of the shitty feelings this shit gives me.  sometimes the feelings are so deep, so painful i want to take a knife to my chest and plunge it in and watch as the pain goes away.

if i thought my death would change the world i'd do it.  but i know when i'm dead it will still continue and become some other sods misery.  no body cares, not enough to do anything about it anyway.  i'm expected to just live with it and the feeling of utter hopelessness.

i get why people commit suicide.  sometimes life is so fucking shitty and unjust there is no other way out than dying.

death

When my nan died I recall sitting in class looking out the window at the blue sky and a few fluffy white clouds wondering if nan was up there looking down on me.  My idea of Heaven was of full bodied souls floating up beyond the clouds knowing exactly who they were on earth and remembering their life and loved ones in full detail.  they sat up there in the sky beyond our eyesight keeping an eye on us.  Making sure we were well and safe.  Maybe intervening now and again to stop a catastrophe like guardian angels. I felt sadness because I would never see her again yet I never cried nor missed her terribly after that day.  I was only young.

Nowadays I don't believe in Heaven and full bodied souls floating above us, watching over us.  There is no proof that any of that occurs.  When I grew up and started flying I realized there were no souls up in the sky.  I had trouble grappling that when a close friend died.  Where did her soul go?  Her energy, her life force?  Where did her spirit go?  Her being, who she was.  I was there when she passed away and the moment they told me "she's gone".  I stood back and looked around the room wondering where she had gone, what had happened to her life force.  Was she floating up on the roof as others have said happens.  Did she know I hugged her and told her I love her?  Did she know how gutted I felt, how guilty I felt because in my mind it was good she'd gone because she was now at peace?

Back at her place I looked around for her, wandering from spot to spot thinking I'd see her somewhere but she was nowhere to be found.  I couldn't even feel her presence or any residual energy.  Though I could picture her being there as she had been before.  All those memories floating around my minds eye like ghosts.  At night I tried to reach for her and call her back to me to say I'm sorry she's gone and that I miss her.  There was only emptiness.  Darkness.  Her spirit, her energy, moved on somewhere never to be felt again. 

Years later I still think about her, miss her, feel guilty, worry that she didn't know how much I loved her, didn't know how I felt because I have never been an affectionate person.  I still go to places she's been and expect to see her.  I still wonder where her soul went.  What happened to it.  What happened to her after she died.  Unlike when nan died this broke my heart and years later I can't think about it, her death, her, without feeling gutted all over again. 

picture of a very sexy man

i saw this facebook page called aussiebums and their profile pic of a man in white jocks.

it a raunchy pic that made me blush. i felt guilty for coveting this man and quickly closed the page down.

it made me wonder .. if men are more visual than women (which we are taught is fact) and this picture makes me feel and think things i shouldn't be thinking, what do images of sexy women do to men?

the answer is most likely what we'd expect it to be.  and that makes me wonder if it's safe having all these men running around with tingling loins?  personally i feel fearful about that.  it doesn't leave me feeling safe as a women having horny men running around after seeing the multitude of pornographic images everywhere.

maybe that why rape is so high? coz on top of all these images boys are told or shown that if they rape someone nothing much is really going to happen. look at that Steubenville case in America. they got something like 2 years and the girl got blamed for being drunk and had to fight for her right to claim rape.

not much self control being taught. it's like here's lots of sexy pictures to turn you on and nothing much will happen if you rape somebody, and your mates and the country are going to back you up, so go a head.

it can be a pretty powerless feeling being female.

another knife story

Driving along a disused train track to a camp site to meet some friends, I go through a grass patch only to realize, a little too late, that it's actually a bog.  Too late to go back now and no way to turn around I drive on though.  Only there is a branch in the bog and once my front tire hits the branch the car stops and the wheels start spinning.

I'm up shit creek without a paddle.  Getting out I can see there is no way to get out of the bog by myself so I set off walking back along the train track, back to the nearest town to look for someone who can help.  The walk takes ages.  The disused train track parallels a country road with the odd car driving past however there are vast long grass meadows between me and the road and crossing through those meadows means risking snake bite and some contain bulls.  So I walk and walk finally coming across a meadow that has been used recently, there is a track where a truck has driven from one end of the meadow to the other.  I cross that meadow then walk along the road until I come to the nearest farm house. 

A woman is home and she goes off to fetch her husband.  They drive me in their four wheel drive back to my bogged car and proceed to tie a rope from vehicle to vehicle.  The husband is crouched down near the back tired of my car while his wife is over at their vehicle securing the rope.  The husband tells me we need a knife because the rear mud flap is stuck in debris which will impede the car from being pulled out.

"I've got a knife" I tell the husband.  Suddenly he sits up and looks at me wide eyed and fearful, looks back at his wife for a moment then back at me.  When he realized I don't mean on me right at that point in time he relaxes a little.  I fetch the knife from inside my console and pass it to him.

For a moment there he panicked and thought he'd stumbled across some psycho car bogging, husband and wife nabbing serial killer.

sex with aussie guys

i've been told aussie guys are shit lovers.  girls who have been with European men tell me this.  i have had European boyfriends before and i have to say in comparison to them aussie guys are 'wham, bam, thank you man' types.  except they forgo the thank you mam!  it's more like wham, bam... see ya later.

my lover came around today not having had sex in weeks.  me neither.  at first he just wants to make out.  i'm ok with that but dubious.  so we're making out and he wants to take it further.  maybe i should want to too, i don't know?  but i don't.  kissing him is not turning me on because in the back of my mind I'm thinking 'why me'?  i want to know why he wants to be with me.  what is it about me that makes him desire me.  stupid too much thinking female brain.

while he was away he called me a couple of times and i asked him if he missed me and he said no, he's been too busy. though he must have if he's calling me right?  guys, i don't get them.

suddenly he's back and he can't get enough of me.  i figure he only wants me because i'm there, available.  i try and tell my inner voice to shut up but it won't. so he's trying to get my pants off while i'm trying to pull them back up again.  he's talking about how he really wants me, and after some minutes and me giving up the struggle he has his way.  before he climaxes he tells me he feels guilty because I'm not getting anything out of it.

utter bullshit really!  if he really gave a dam he'd fucking do stuff to me, for me, about me.  he'd be giving instead of taking.  so he climaxes and i'm left feeling used.  a part of me thinks i shouldn't be thinking like that.  i should be looking at it as giving something nice to my man because he hasn't seen me in a while.  instead of looking at it as me not getting something, i should see it as being giving.  i don't see it that way, in part because i hadn't wanted to have sex in the first place.  fucking men.

i don't know who i'm more angry at.  him or myself?

ok so not all our encounters are this shitty.  sometimes they're mind blowingly you beaut and wonderful.  every now and then this shit happens and makes me hate being a girl.  some hole for a man to stick his dick in.

this morning he woke apologizing for what he'd done.  saying he regretted his actions and wished he could undo it all so it never happened.  me too.

later on he gave me pleasure as a payback, said he owed me an orgasm.  he still wanted to get his rocks off afterwards but i held him to his word.

supply and demand

supply and demand

In the US & probably other countries, young girls respond to adverts saying actresses wanted.  They phone up the number and get told a brief thing about the 'film' they'll be auditioning for.  Example: there is a rape scene in the movie are you ok with that?  Of course the girl assumes it's like a Hollywood block buster and the scene will be done professionally and no actually rape will take place.
When they go to the 'auditions' / casting calls they're dolled up with costumes and what not and are shoved into a room where they are set upon.  All this is caught on film and there is the 'rape scene' they were told about.  If not a rape scene, maybe the girls plays a nurse for jailhouse men who set upon her when she enters the room.  Or she thinks she's playing the role of a girl who goes to a job interview and there is a sex scene with the interviewer only it turns out to be real non consensual sex.
This is how numerous porn movies are made and how many young girls get their first introduction to the porn industry.  It is soul destroying.  There is no one to prosecute or assign blame to and they're too embarrassed to tell anyone.  And no matter what happens that movie is out there to circulate for all of time.  With millions of people watching a girl who is forced upon.
There are other porn movies made with actual employed porn stars who make a living out of this industry, yet here's the thing.  When you rent, buy, watch a porn movie you don't know which industry you just supported.  Did you just support and buy into an industry that rapes young American girls for men's entertainment?  Even if you watched a movie where the girls are willing participants your money still goes towards companies who practice porn rape.  Not only that, when you rent, buy, watch a movie you create a supply and demand for porn rape.
So ask yourself this.  Are you happy to support such an industry or do the girls in your country deserve better than that?  Remember the girls in those movies could be your sister, your cousins, your nieces, your girlfriend or wife, even your mum or aunty.  Is that ok with you?

Thai girls

My name is Ratana and at 18 I'm seen as old hand, past my use by date.  The men here don't care about me much anymore but then they never did.  When I was 13 my parents put me to work on Walking Street so that I could make money to support my poor farming family.  Some girls are younger than that when sent off to work.

I had known for a long time I would end up on Walking Street.  All the girls in my village know that.  We all see the city men come to our village again and again, pay money to a family and leave with the daughter (and sometimes boys go too).  One by one the girls disappear, sent off to work as prostitutes, in strip clubs or child brothels.  To be raped and mistreated by rich white men who saw us only as objects to use and discard.  To be the sexual entertainment of perverse men who find it entertaining to watch Thai girls smoke cigarets with their vaginas and all the other cheap thrill things they liked to see us do.  These gross and careless men made me sick.
I was with a man when I turned 18.  He was a fat repulsive white man who was loosing his hair and he smelt bad.  When he met me he paid me lots of money to come and live with him in his hotel room.  He paid me to be his girlfriend.  He purchased outfits he wanted me to wear that revealed a lot of my body.  Sometimes he took me out to dinner, other times I cooked for him and was his personal slave.  Most of the time we had sex, rough and awful.  When ever he was in the mood.  He would just grab me and do his thing and I would pretend he was great and that I liked it.  I was very good at pretending.
I didn't enjoy any of the things he made me do but some were worse than others and they made me feel unhappy about my life.  Like trying to force me to go down on him while he had company just to prove he was the man and always threatening to get some other girlfriend if I didn't do what he wanted.  On my 18 birthday he kicked me out because I was too old to be his girlfriend now.
It depressed me that this was my life and that white men didn't care that this was my life.  They were getting something from me and that's all that mattered.
If only my family weren't poor and daughters didn't have a duty to support their family by selling their bodies to filthy white men.  If only we were wealthy.  If only I could save enough money to leave this place and support my family.  If only my government would take care of it's people better.  I would day dream about meeting a nice man who had money and would take me away from this life.  Maybe take me to his country and I could bring my family there too and we'd all be happy and away from this place.  I would also dream that one day my country was better and I could be what ever I wanted to be.  But there was no better and there was no other way for me to support my family.

The men thought I was stupid but I knew a thing or two about the world.  I knew they weren't treating women in their country this way.  They weren't allowed.  They came to my country because my government allowed it because they wanted to get rich off white man's money.  Many of the men who came to my country were married and many of them had daughters, girls they cared about and would never want mistreated.  When the men were doing things to me I would think about girls in their country and how these men wouldn't want this done to their daughters.  Often they would lie to themselves and say they wanted to give us a better life by giving us money for sex.  They would lie to themselves and say us girls want to be there because it's important for us to support our families.  If they really cared about our wellbeing or thought they were saving us from poverty they would  give us money without using us for their own sexual gratification.

No one really wants this life.  No young girl or boys wants their first time to be with some gross ugly white man.  We don't really enjoy the rough and horrible sex or being treated this way.  It's not what we dream for ourselves when were young.  We want to meet a boy and a fall in love.  We want to raise a family and be happy.  The same as what everyone else wants.

Even the sleep molesterer

If the only way you can get a girl in bed is to wait until she's asleep you're a LOSER!

Even was friends with my abusive ex.  He seemed alright at first.  Less aggressive and angry than my ex anyway so I thought he was ok.  The three of us had hung at my joint a few times watching footy.

One night my ex and Even decide he'll stay over and we crash out in my double bed.  I slept close to my boyfriend even though I was worried he might try sex stuff with me when his mate was beside in the bed.  Then again he wasn't one for sharing, too jealous.

My boyfriend nodded off and I began to doze then his mate Evan starts trying to molest me.  I move away.  He keeps trying.  I figure he better watch himself because all I need to do is wake my boyfriend and if he finds out Even will be dead.  Even keeps trying to grab at my crouch and touch me.  So I wake my boyfriend accidentally (deliberately) and Even stops.  I turn to face Even and get my boyfriend to spoon me, putting a body space in between Evan and myself.  Even tries to touch me again but my boyfreinds arm around me makes him stop.

I never spoke about it with my boyfriend.  He would have gotten mad with me and abused me.  I never let Even stay over after that either.

Years and years later I pump into Even with some of his mates at a night club.  He looks much the same.  Long black hair, nice face, lean.  He still has that slightly creepy look to him though I shrug it off and put it down to the shit upbringing he had.

We all hang out together, his mates and mine and at the end of the night we all go back to my joint to party on some more.  Actually we just talked until we were too tired then crashed out.  No sooner is everyone asleep when Even creeps into my bedroom.  I'm in bed with my best friend beside me.  I'm awake and know he's coming.  He lies beside me and starts trying to molest me.  I'm shoving his hands away, rejecting him, pushing him off me.  In the end I get up and leave my room to camp out in the lounge room with the others.  Even picks me up and carries me back to my room and the molesting and resisting start again.

I get really pissed off with him because I want to sleep but I'm too afraid.  In hind site I'd loved to have taken him outside and locked him out of the house.  Instead I wrap myself up in a duvet like a cocoon and nod off.  I wake moments later to find the guy has gotten his hand up the duvet and in between my legs.  This time I whack him off me, shove him out of the room and find a way to lock the door.

Weeks later he knocks on my door and is met with a COLD reception.  The house mates I live with know what he's done and who he is and want to go outside and mess him up.  Even is aware of the fuss inside the house and becomes uneasy.  I tell him he needs to leave and never come back.

And that is Evan the sleep molester who can only get girls when they're asleep.  Gross.

why i love gay men

I love gay men.  Not because they're safe to be around, you know .. you can have male friends who aren't going to hit on you.  Not because they're a mix of both male and female qualities, that is a bonus though.

I love gay men because

hot man

Heterosexual guys want to see sexy naked women (and sadly girls), preferably in sexual poses or sexual acts.  And because men want this and the world is run by rich men who get what they want half naked sexual women are EVERYWHERE!!!!!!  Mags, music clips, movies, billboards, facebook .. EVERYWHERE!!!!!!

Women like to see sexy naked men too but we're women, we're not in power and we don't get want we want.  Instead we're told we're not as visual as men and we don't purchase with our eyes ..  Therefore not so many sexy provocative men for us.  We're not the big earners and therefore not the big spenders and there's no point catering to our needs, may as well hide this fact behind trying to convince us we are not as visual as men ..

HOWEVER ..

Homosexual guys want to see sexy naked provocative men and because they're men they too get what they want (more than women do anyway) and it is through them that I get to live vicariously and enjoy seeing handsome lovely men with beautiful bodies.  If not for gay men I'd miss out on this opportunity and I might never see any hot hunky men anywhere.

sexy man

Maybe one day things will be equalized and we'll see male full frontal nudity in movies, sexually provocative men in music clips, on billboards, in commercials - just the way it's done for men.

Until then .. Hallelujah and praise the Lord.  I LOVE gay men.