later bloomer or sinner

At 19 I was playing truth dare with two guys and my girl friend. One guy asks me if I've ever masturbated. No I hadn't. He says 75% of girls have the rest are lying. I tell him I honestly haven't.  He says he doesn't believe me. I wondered if 75% of girls really do?
At 23 I was dating this fitness guy J. He jogged and worked out and had a seriously descent body and a photo portfolio of himself. A cool easy going kind of guy. I don't recall him getting angry often and when he did it was nothing much.
Hot stuff and sexually frustrating in bed (seems to be the type I go for). He watched too much porn mags and all the rest. His sexual style was the same as porn movies. Change positions every few minutes. Just as I was getting into a position and it was feeling good he moved me into a different position. He took ages to climax and I never climaxed. The change of positions was too much and I couldn't focus.
Months into seeing him ... well let's just say if I had balls they'd be blue. I talked to him about it and nothing changed. I was having dreams of sex with other men and climaxing. Once I climaxed in my sleep and woke myself up. He comes over that night and I tell him I climaxed that morning. He's not miffed about somebody else making me climax in fact he doesn't even ask me about who did it though he assumed someone else had. Later in the bedroom he makes me climax. It was the ONLY time he did.
Some time later he's staying over and we're lying in bed together after having sex and him climaxing. I'm feeling so frustrated I'm going to pop so I decide in the moment I'm gonna do it.  When I think he's dozing off but not quiet asleep and I start touching myself.  Wondering if I'll really go to hell?  Wondering if God will strike me down with lightening. Trying to hide it, making small movements, trying to be quiet.  I finish myself off and feel that instant relief and gratification.  That was the first time I touched myself.
By other standards I probably started late, for others I shouldn't have started at all. It took me a long time to get that Christian voice and upbringing out of my head. It took me a long time to feel like I wasn't doing anything wrong or bad.

running through the forest

  Just before waking the dream became vivid.  Trees rushing past, branches whipping my face and body.  Running through a forest chasing a man with long hair in a loin cloth.  Though I could not see his face I knew it was Cote – the way you instinctively know in dreams.  He jumped with ease over fallen logs, while my running was more laboured and awkward.  Still I was gaining on him.  I could see his back muscles rippling as I got closer and I could hear his breath as though he was breathing in my ears.  The sound of him overriding my own strained breathing.  He did not sound strained.  His breathing was uniform and controlled.  It had a sexiness to it as though he sounded this way when he made love.  Reaching out my right arm to grab him, I turned him to me.  It was my partner standing before me huffing and puffing.  He looked displeased, frown on his face as if annoyed I had been chasing him, or caught him.  Moments ago he had long hair half way down his back.  Now it was shorter as per his normal style.  He wore demon jeans and was shirtless.  His strong handsome body gleaming from sweat.  Instinctively I wanted to reach out and touch him, his chest, shoulders, arms.  As I reached out to hug him thankful for a familiar face amongst this strange world I found myself in, he ducked off behind a tree quick as a flash.  Moving like Cote.  When I rounded the tree he was nowhere to be seen.  Pivoting on the spot the world spun before me leaving me with a sense of vertigo.  Where had he gone?  I wanted him to come back.  I wanted him with me.  I woke just after picturing him driving off in the distance in a black jeep – in my mind’s eye as it is with dreams.  Somehow you see and know things your dream doesn’t shown you.  The dreaming changing just like that.