sexuality what are we so afraid of

seems like today we're all confused about sexuality. what's it supposed to be for? procreation? fun? taken from people? thinking of people? not thinking of people? gay, not gay? prudish? out there? what's in between, is there a balance?

what are we afraid of?

are men afraid they won't be able to control it

that it controls them, that it's too strong, or not strong enough

that it doesn't control them or shouldn't

that they'll lose it

that others won't like it. that they'll hurt others with it

of gays what are we afraid of? what are they afraid of?

that we'll catch it, that it's wrong. an abomination (such a harsh word)

god does not forgive those who are - and therefore nor should we

we fear gay men more. gay women are acceptable if it's too chicks getting it on

with women what are we afraid of?

that they have sexuality. what does them having it mean. that they like sex. that they want it. that they might want it from lots of men the way men want of women

that they shouldn't have it, or should

of women what do they think of their sexualities?

it's wrong, they shouldn't have one

that it's there, deal with it. it's alright it won't hurt you

it's alright it will hurt you. that others won't like it

what do others think of others sexuality?

scary. fearful. awesome bring it on. it's too much tone it down. it's not strong enough. it's wrong and ugly.

sexuality has become a mind field of variables and what ifs

burning witches

the witch burning days are gone. so is throwing them in a river to see if they float. we no longer believe in evil witches, girls with moles on their necks, that need to be burned at the stake.

we're also no longer feeding catholics to the lions or watching public hangings and beheadings. no longer placing humans on stone slabs and removing their beating hearts to appease the gods. not lynching black slaves or pushing aborigines off cliffs. 

we've come a long way. for all appearances we seem to have evolved into better human beings right.

not quite.

we're now pouring battery acid on women, stoning women to death, cutting up vaginas (and penises), hating on women, hating on each other. hating on gays. hating on races and religion (still). we've got a porn problem and women and children have becoming a commodity to sell use and abuse. women, girls and boys are for sale, like it or not, nothing you can do about it. we're kidnapping young girls and holding them hostage for days, torturing, raping and killing them in seriously bad ways. still marrying little girls to old men. still selling virgins to the highest bidder. we're treating women and children so badly and it has become the modern way. once upon a time women and children were the first off the titanic. now they're the first to be abused and hurt. coz we're hurting men too and they're fuckin pissed off.

maybe that shit went down in the dark ages too. always been that way.

we think we've evolved. if bad shit happened in the old days and it's still happening now we didn't evolve. if bad shit didn't happen in the old days and it's happening now we've devolved.

we're not superior beings either. if only a handful of the population are shitty and we can't stop them we're inferior. if only a handful of the population are shitty and we don't want to stop them we're inferior. if most of the population are shitty then we're inferior because we've already lost. more so if we can't or won't stop them.

we say the year 2013 like it's so advanced compared to 800AD. is it really?

chasing the dollar

growing up money was scarce. didn't have much. not poverty stricken. poor. in between finishing school at 3:30pm to dinner time at 6 there was no food to eat and i felt starving by dinner time. in high school i had one pair of pants to wear. had to wear them every day 5 days a week, wash them on the weekend and wear them for another 5 days. hated having so little. couldn't wait to grow up and be rich.

worked as soon as i was old enough to get a job and saved up money, had money to buy things, felt better about not being poor any more. liked the independence and didn't care that i gave up much of my social life to work and save up money.

having money was all i cared about since i thought it would buy happiness.

it doesn't by happiness. now i've got money. a fine car. large house with all the trappings. great job, work for myself. fine looking man who travels a lot so i have my own time, my own space, yet he is there to lean on. life is good. i'm living the dream. people see my world and know i've landed on my feet.

and yet i don't feel happy. i don't feel satisfied. yeah sure there is comfort in not having to worry about if i can afford food, insurance, bills. i've rolled in the gutter before trying to make ends meet, trying to scrap together enough funds to feed myself and keep a roof over my head. life wasn't always this carefree. and still i don't feel content. don't feel fulfilled.

in fact i feel the opposite. i feel lost in a plastic world i've created and can't escape. even if i could escape i don't even know what or where it is i want to escape to. there is nothing tangible in my world, nothing to reach towards that says *happiness*

i should feel happy yet i feel miserable and can't fathom why? what is missing? where is this elusive happiness and why didn't money buy it for me?

rough neighbourhood

the pines is a tough place to live. it's where the bogans live. the doll bludgers. the single mums. drugos. tough rough kids living tough rough lives.

at 13 i got sent up the street at about 6:30 at night to get fish and chips for tea. as i'm walking i see a group of girls on the other side of the street. i'm nervous because i know what people are like around here. they're on the other side of the street so i think i'm ok. then they cross over and walk towards me.

i'm thinking uh oh here we go. when they get closer i can tell they're going to start trouble so i back up against a high fence the way dad taught me. stops me getting surrounded and then i can't watch my back.

there's about 6 girls lead by a girl i know is my neighbour though i don't know if she knows who i am. they push and shove me and start saying things like 'i heard you called me a bitch'. i didn't and they know it. it's just a way to pick a fight. i stand my ground, head high, not biting back. waiting to see what they do. hoping they don't take my money.

one girl takes a swing at me punching me in the face. the punch is dodgy, pathetic. doesn't hurt. i barely react. the girls think she's hit me hard and i'm a hard ass for not flinching. they decide i'm no fun because i'm not cowering or crying or acting scared. they tell me not to call them anything again and walk off.

my heart was pounding and my knees felt weak but i showed no fear. i was thankful they didn't take my money because i was worried i would have to go back home and tell what happened. i get the chips and walk back in later like nothing happened.