where is everybody?

when people kill themselves you always hear other people saying, they shouldn't have done it, there is always somewhere for them to turn. it doesn't feel that way. i've been down for weeks. my friends know it. i've talked to them about it. my beau knows it. they don't do much to help and it feels like i can't ask them for help. when i ask something of them, like come for a visit, they pike out or say no. there are a couple who will come at the drop of a hat if i need. but i realised something today. i want fun, joy, happiness, laughter. there isn't much of that in my world lately. there hasn't been in ages. the people bring the laughter and if they're not around there is none. i do stuff by myself and can enjoy that. it's not laughter though. maybe contentment, but not laughter.

the fragile mind

the previous night they had, had a conversation about her depression. she had told him she'b been feeling down for 4 weeks now. he asked if she was down because of things he'd done. she explained how the depression was there first, and some of the things he did added to her negative thoughts, leaving her feeling more morose. he was sweet about it, gave her a hug. wanted to hold her that night in bed.
that night, before the conversation about her depression, he'd shown her an article '10 ways (for guys) to know if you're bad in bed'. it listed things like skipping foreplay, forgetting about her orgasm, she's faking orgasms, she's not making any noise, she's making too much noise.
she had said she could relate to all of the points to some degree. he was surprised yet showed no signs of resentment towards her remark. the article had said men think about sex all day while women think about work and dinner and someone who cut them off on the way home and not sex so much.
the following day she asks him if he thinks about sex all day. he says not all day, just sometimes during the day. she asked him what types of things made him think about sex. he told her, seeing an attractive woman up the street.
it might be a harmless comment. the type of comment any one could take like water off a ducks back.
but in that moment her mind had gone kaboom! on top of all else that remark hurt her in a way she couldn't' described. gutted came close. she didn't know why, only that on some basic level she would have much preferred he'd said something she did made him think about sex.
she wished she didn't have such a fragile mind and could laugh it off as 'that's how all people roll', it's nothing. and yet her thoughts had imploded and the depression got a little bit darker.

controlling us with food

there was a story about the chubby boy from the goonies, saying he was 80s fat. now our fat kids are uber fat. back in the 80s companies had started to control our food, what we eat, what's available to us, how much sugar we eat, where we can get our food, who supplies it, what adds and shows we see that make us want to eat what they say is available to us. years and years later control of our food has been squeezed to breaking point and so have our bodies. it makes me feel like we're being control with food and other means so that we end up unable to actually move or run or fight for the things we should be having / lives we should be living.