death

When my nan died I recall sitting in class looking out the window at the blue sky and a few fluffy white clouds wondering if nan was up there looking down on me.  My idea of Heaven was of full bodied souls floating up beyond the clouds knowing exactly who they were on earth and remembering their life and loved ones in full detail.  they sat up there in the sky beyond our eyesight keeping an eye on us.  Making sure we were well and safe.  Maybe intervening now and again to stop a catastrophe like guardian angels. I felt sadness because I would never see her again yet I never cried nor missed her terribly after that day.  I was only young.

Nowadays I don't believe in Heaven and full bodied souls floating above us, watching over us.  There is no proof that any of that occurs.  When I grew up and started flying I realized there were no souls up in the sky.  I had trouble grappling that when a close friend died.  Where did her soul go?  Her energy, her life force?  Where did her spirit go?  Her being, who she was.  I was there when she passed away and the moment they told me "she's gone".  I stood back and looked around the room wondering where she had gone, what had happened to her life force.  Was she floating up on the roof as others have said happens.  Did she know I hugged her and told her I love her?  Did she know how gutted I felt, how guilty I felt because in my mind it was good she'd gone because she was now at peace?

Back at her place I looked around for her, wandering from spot to spot thinking I'd see her somewhere but she was nowhere to be found.  I couldn't even feel her presence or any residual energy.  Though I could picture her being there as she had been before.  All those memories floating around my minds eye like ghosts.  At night I tried to reach for her and call her back to me to say I'm sorry she's gone and that I miss her.  There was only emptiness.  Darkness.  Her spirit, her energy, moved on somewhere never to be felt again. 

Years later I still think about her, miss her, feel guilty, worry that she didn't know how much I loved her, didn't know how I felt because I have never been an affectionate person.  I still go to places she's been and expect to see her.  I still wonder where her soul went.  What happened to it.  What happened to her after she died.  Unlike when nan died this broke my heart and years later I can't think about it, her death, her, without feeling gutted all over again.