the knife story

He'd taken me to some out of town tourist park during off season.  His families caravan sat unattended along with the others.  I had a feeling why he'd taken me there, that is: what he wanted from me.  On this day I wasn't in the mood.  I'd been at the beach all the previous day and was pink down the back of my body.  My skin hurt, was hot and dry and stinging just to exist.  Sex with him was out of the question.  Parking his divvy fan along side the caravan, we get out and he shows us around the caravan.  I found it too small, claustrophobic.  Not a place I wanted to have sex with him in.  Can't recall him actually asking me or making any moves though I know it happened since I knocked him back.  Inside his Divvy van later he grabs a knife from somewhere and holds it to my neck telling me, "I can really hurt a person if I don't get what I want".  First off I was shocked and scared when I saw the knife.  Wasn't sure what type of person he was since we'd only been dating for a couple of months.  Looking at the knife to see what type and what size it was- it was small non descript knife, then at this face to see how serious he was, a part of me didn't care.  Not too long ago my long term boyfriend had dumped me and I'd been heart broken ever since.  That kind of can't eat, can't talk, can't smile emptiness that takes ages to go away.  Part of me was thinking just do it.  Stab me.  I'm not going to have sex with you anyway.  Another part of me got really angry over him trying to force me into sex with him.  Even if I did have sex with him under that condition I'd have never been ok with it.  It would have been the last time I saw him and I'd have told somebody.  I ended up grabbing the knife off him and shoving it back at him and saying, "So can I".  Not really sure what possessed me or gave me the courage aside from anger and total disregard for life.  He realised he ain't getting any, started the car and took me home in a really bad mood.

he’s blown it

16 ways i blew my marriage. makes me think of my lover.  

he’s away a lot and mine when he’s back.  i like this arrangement because i get my space and that’s crucial.  it is not blown because of  that.  

i’m not happy.  it’s  mentally blown.  he might never have me fully.  i have my reasons for staying.  not one to like giving in, calling quits.  prefer the old been together 70 years type story.  i’m content at this point in my life.  cool job, house, not struggling for food, mine is not an overly hard life.  is stressful though.  

the article says about finding faults and name calling.  yeah that’s my world.  it’s really shaped the whole thing into a bizarre clash of the titans whenever he’s around.  i do sweet f all when he’s around because he’s taken it upon himself to tell me the many ‘better’ ways things can be done.  gets super shitty if i don’t abide by his recommendations.  get labelled all sorts of shit too on account of how poorly he thinks i do stuff.  it’s almost laughable really.  

he never wins our game of clash of the titans.  why keep going.  i ain’t ever going to back down and buy that shit.  i’m 95% content with my world.  maybe it’s too much to ask for the other 5%.  there again am i really?  

when i read the article i felt really shitty about his fault finding and the kind of damage it does.  not to my soul.  he’s not crushing me or making me believe his shit.  it just keeps me distant.  secretive.  i’ll never truly let him into my world.  and that’s where he’s blown it because it’s bloody awesome in my world.  i enjoy being me.  he has no idea he's blown it.  totally unaware.

then again how much does he let me into his world?  perhaps we've picked each other because we'll always be slightly outside of each other and that keeps us safe.  yet we're still more than we ever let anyone else in.

kissing is a sign

If the kiss doesn't fall into place he's not the one.  The relationship is doomed.  One guy kissed like wood pecker.  Peck peck peck.  I hated it.  I hated him.  He ran the relationship that way.  Come close pull back, come close pull back.  Some times completely withdraw for hours then be all possessive like.  Yuk.  One guy came at me like the mouth of Luna Park.

kissing

All dark cave and tongue.  Nice guy but a hard kiss to adjust to.  Made my mouth ache.  One guy was all tonsil hockey just about choking me.  Tongue all the way in.  Gag.  An in the relationship all they way in kinda guy.  One guy liked to lick my face.  Me with my germ phobia.  I liked him.  Spunky as he was.  Time to move on.  A couple fell into place completely.  Such a *sigh* feeling.  Refreshing.  Not a complicated kiss.  Meshing like we'd done this before.  Fully in sync with each other.  Funny enough, loved the guys madly but the relationships were major complicated.  Too much passion.  Too much hostility.  They were all over me one minute then pretending they didn't give a shit the next.  And I fell hook line an sinker.  Did my bloody head in.  They're the one's I think of fondly from time to time.  The one's I can't forget.  You mark my word a kiss tells you everything.

driving without a license

When I was 17 on my L plates I finished work waiting for a friend to finish.  My friend told me to wait in his car, his shift ended if half an hour.  Gives me the keys and I wait in his car.  Waiting waiting.  I get bored and decide I'll take the car for a spin around the block, take a couple of back streets.  Off I go driving around doing a fine job.  I'd been driving since I was 14.  My dad taught me because he believed it was important for me to know.  In case something ever happened to him and I needed to take him to the hospital.  I stop at a T intersection putting my indicator on to turn left, look behind me and see I have a police car on my tail.  Kinda shit bricks because I'm so little they're bound to know I'm not old enough to drive.  I've no P plates on my car to say I'm old enough to drive while still looking young.  I keep driving and they tail me for a couple 100 meters but in the end they turn off in a different direction.  I hightail it back to my work car park only to find the car park my friends car was parked in is now taken.  He'll know I took his car for a drive now that his car is moved.  Friend comes out sees the car is moved, asks me if I drove his car, I confess and offer him petrol money.  He declines and is fine with me driving his car.  Tells me a story about another friend who drove his car once and crashed it on her first drive.  Least I returned his car in one piece.

growing up without a mum

Growing up without a mum I didn't know all those girly things about makeup and tampons.

Didn't know how to cook or boil an egg.

Was never especially affectionate or caring like other girls.

Lived with my dad and was raised having in-depth philosophical discussions and being trained how to defend myself.

Never knew how to bake a cake.

Did know the main pressure points on the human body, where and how to hit a man that could kill or mame him, how to turn every thing and anything into a weapon, basics of ninjutsu and boxing, how to shoot, how to hunt and skin animals, to always be aware of my surroundings.

My dad taught me how to survive an attack.

Never was attacked thankfully, yet it's good stuff to be taught and I've never forgotten.

I know I'm not like other girls.

I've talked to them about the things I know and they look at me funny.

Maybe, hopefully, I'll never need this stuff.  Helps me feel safer though and I like how dad was looking out for me.

virgin and the theif

7am Sunday morning laying down on a bench seat at a train station waiting for the next train.  Train's not due until 9am so I'm trying to doze off because I'm bored.  A shadow falls across me and I hear someone approach.  Looking up I'm surprised to see my cousin standing in front of me.  He is as surprised to see me and asks me when the next train is.  When I tell him it's hours away my cousin confesses the police are on his tail.  He stole a bike and they want to question him about the theft.  Don't tell them you saw me, he asks of me, then he nicks off.  Laying back down on the bench it's not long before the police arrive asking me if I've seen a boy passing by.  I point off in the opposite direction telling them he ran off that way.  They thank me and go on their way.  When I lay back down I think what are the odds that the perp would bump into someone he knows, who seems like a random stranger to the police, at a random train station, who sends them on a bum steer.  They'll catch up to my cousin one day.  I was also thinking about the odds of bumping into my cousin, whom I hadn't seen in years, the morning after I'd lost my virginity.  I'd bumped into his older brother the night before.  I'd met up with my boyfriend and his mates at the train station.  The first time I'd been to that train station and didn't know where I was going.  We all went back to his mates place and later up the street so the boys could get something to eat.  There was my older cousin out the front of the shop excited to see me, and me him.  Hadn't seen each other is years.  He was still as handsome as ever.  He asked me what I was doing there, who I was with, was he treating me good, let him know if ever I needed him to have a word in my boyfriend's ear.  Be good to my cuz or else.  I told my cousin, nah he's good, treating me well.  The mate of my boyfriend had to sneak me in to his house after his mum went out for the night.  I had to go to bed before the mum got home.  I didn't think of it at the time and when my boyfriend woke me up really early, telling me I had to sneak out before the mum woke and got up, I wasn't pleased.  Hate waking early.  And there I was at the train station waiting for the next train to take me home.

eyes

celibacy

Celibacy.  People argue should we be celibate?  Is it normal or going against our biological nature?  I'm in two minds.  It's not normal.  People need sex.  Not all people, some don't, most do.  Depriving people of sex or putting them in jobs where they're not allowed to have sex for the rest of their life isn't right.  Isn't good.  On the flip side I like the idea of being able to control my baser needs.  Like the idea of challenging ourselves this way.  Do we rule our baser needs or do they rule us?  I was celibate for a while just to prove to myself I could do it.  It was good and bad.  My levels of concentration were really good.  No man distractions.  The job got done.  On the flip side my level of erotic dreams went up - they always do when I haven't had some in a while.  Like it was my bodies way of saying 'you need this'.  I could manage going without and was coping just fine.  The erotic dreams came in batches.  I'd have days of dreaming in a row then nothing for a while.  Even felt like I was climaxing in my dreams and in real life as I woke which is a nice satisfactory feeling.  Still, think it's our minds way of saying something is missing.  Biologically you're meant to have this and you're missing out, your body needs  this.