story - kiss

"a firm hand slid behind my neck pulling me to him and he kissed me hard and full of passion, tongue searching and finding mine. the taste of drink from the party on his moist lips. i heard him groan softly as though this was too much for him. the kiss fell into place without any awkwardness or difference in our way of finding and exploring each others mouths." KD

lost

i’ve been feeling very lonely lately. i don’t know when it started but i know i’ve been feeling very unhappy with my life for months now. usually i want to cling to him in these moments, a big downfall of mine. i’m starting to have realizations that he is not my friend or in any case is my enemy. he is not safe. i am not safe in his hands. i cannot open up to him and be safe. it isn’t safe to do so. i’ve been openly telling him of these feelings lately. essentially what I’m saying is if I’m safe, prove it.

when i think of him leaving me those months ago and me taking him back, i can’t tell if i’m just too weak to escape. what it feels like is i’ve lost myself and i need to fight to get that back gain. up til now i’ve been thinking the best way to find me is to escape, to end it with him, yet being too weak to go. this year is the year to find myself. what is hard is the more i look around the more i see what i’ve lost and it’s daunting trying to get that back. i feel overwhelmed and i don’t know where to start. that is the main reason i haven't done anything about my situation up til now.

feeling unhappy with my life, its not just sad but a big emptiness, a big void, so huge it seems hard to fill. a big lonely black emptiness. this makes me question every thing, existence, the relationship, my life, my achievements (not so many), who and what i’ve become. 

when we met he told me he didn't like me being gothic. didn't want me wearing black all the time. told me it wasn't sexually appealing because there was never any excitement about what i might be wearing. it was always black, always gothic all of the time. so i stopped and changed it up a bit. a simple thing like that turned out to be quite controlling and overwhelming and i forgot myself. let myself go. changed myself for him. and for what? what did it get me? was he more attentive or passionate after i changed it up. no. not at all. in fact he started adding to the list .. all the things that were uninspiring about me. all the things i needed to change in order to have him be more responsive (nicer) to me. it didn't work. it never worked. he lied. he was never going to be responsive. i gave myself up for nothing.

i am hoping that after a while of me getting me back there will a snowball effect. i’ll like me. i’ll feel good or better. he’ll notice i’m feeling better. he’ll notice i’m not picking fights, just going about my own thing. his mood will then pick up and we can get back to something good. if not, then perhaps i'll get my confidence enough to end this if that is what needs to be done.

i suppose i’ll never have conversation with him and that is the one thing that bums me out. he's not a talker. not a converser. never will be. i’d love conversation because the lack of it is the one thing that causes me to feel lonely the most. i’ll work on one thing at a time and see how i go. i don’t know if finding me will make my need for conversation decrease, or perhaps i’ll find a like-minded friend and get my conversation that way. ??

one step at a time. 

don't engage

operation “don’t engage” is coming along nicely. he phoned tonight to talk to me about my facebook post.  “what’s with the facebook post…” he starts off, telling me he doesn’t like my post.

i refuse to engage in a fight. i let him have his say but did not arc up, defend or justify. i laughed it off, asked him what he’s referring to. he says my latest post, everyone knows the post is about him and it makes him look bad. 

i asked him jovially if that was the reason he rang, adding i thought he was ringing because he missed me. that threw him for a bit and he went quiet. i asked him if it was dinner time for him. he had already eaten, rice, chicken, prawns etc. then he says, “anyway, that’s the reason i rang. i don’t like your facebook post”.  i told him his concern was duly noted. he said “not that that does much”. 

still jovial i talked about how the post .. regarding me doing copious amounts of house work, but don't tell anyone coz i want to maintain a facade of laziness .. is about a secret i’ve kept under wraps and am proud to have maintained for so long, that i'm not really as lazy as i pretend to be (& make light of it on fb). 

he said that is not what he thinks it says at all, that it is obviously about him and everyone knows it and now thinks badly of him. (it's not true since no one out in the world knows he constantly puts me down and calls me lazy. it is a post directed at him, yes, but in a way that's meant to make him [and only him] realise i'm not as lazy as he tells me i am).

i said happy as larry, “anyway you’re in a bad mood so I’ll let you go and you can call me back when you’re in a better mood.” and we hung up.

normally i’d have fired up. gotten angry with him telling me what i’m not allowed to post on facebook. i would have defended my actions, justified and tried to reason with him so he can see that i was not wrong or bad for doing what i (as free and grown adult) have done. 

he would have gotten angry with the fact that I'm never accountable for my actions. 

it would have been an angry phone conversation that ended on a bad note. but i’m not going to justify myself to him anymore. i’m not going to engage in his fault finding, critiques and put downs. if he wants to point out my failings so be it. i refuse to engage in that combat any more. obviously he wants to pick fights, have battles and start a war with me… and all this time i’ve been warring back. no more. if he is looking for a war he’ll find he’s fighting alone, that i’m not fighting back.

KD