dying

there are things i really hate in this world.  things that i despise.  things that really piss me off like nothing else!  other people are not so apposed to the things i'm opposed to.  to them it's normal and i'm the odd one out.

because others aren't as pained about it as me it will never go away.  never be changed. eradicated.  in fact most others (men mostly) think it's all bloody terrific.  it's a man's world.  made by man for man.  they get everything they want regardless of who they hurt.  they want child pornography they get it.   what ever their heart desires they get.  it's theirs to enjoy no matter who gets hurt, chewed up and spat out in the process.

not begin able to change it, eradicate it, leaves me feeling powerless and meaningless, worthless as a human being and what little rights i have.  not being able to avoid it makes me furious.  if it was something man hated it would be gone.  no one would have to deal with it.  when i think of all the men in my life who will never have to confront any of the things they truly hate while i have to endure this on a daily basis for the rest of my fucking life, i want to rip people's heads off.  i want to go vigilante and changed the fucking world!

but i cannot change the world.  i cannot eradicate the things i hate.  there are far too many who are not opposed and i'm the odd one out.  there are others like me but we are few and they are many.  when i think of this and having to face this shit for the rest of my life i feel like dying.  only then will i escape it.  only then will i be rid of the shitty feelings this shit gives me.  sometimes the feelings are so deep, so painful i want to take a knife to my chest and plunge it in and watch as the pain goes away.

if i thought my death would change the world i'd do it.  but i know when i'm dead it will still continue and become some other sods misery.  no body cares, not enough to do anything about it anyway.  i'm expected to just live with it and the feeling of utter hopelessness.

i get why people commit suicide.  sometimes life is so fucking shitty and unjust there is no other way out than dying.

death

When my nan died I recall sitting in class looking out the window at the blue sky and a few fluffy white clouds wondering if nan was up there looking down on me.  My idea of Heaven was of full bodied souls floating up beyond the clouds knowing exactly who they were on earth and remembering their life and loved ones in full detail.  they sat up there in the sky beyond our eyesight keeping an eye on us.  Making sure we were well and safe.  Maybe intervening now and again to stop a catastrophe like guardian angels. I felt sadness because I would never see her again yet I never cried nor missed her terribly after that day.  I was only young.

Nowadays I don't believe in Heaven and full bodied souls floating above us, watching over us.  There is no proof that any of that occurs.  When I grew up and started flying I realized there were no souls up in the sky.  I had trouble grappling that when a close friend died.  Where did her soul go?  Her energy, her life force?  Where did her spirit go?  Her being, who she was.  I was there when she passed away and the moment they told me "she's gone".  I stood back and looked around the room wondering where she had gone, what had happened to her life force.  Was she floating up on the roof as others have said happens.  Did she know I hugged her and told her I love her?  Did she know how gutted I felt, how guilty I felt because in my mind it was good she'd gone because she was now at peace?

Back at her place I looked around for her, wandering from spot to spot thinking I'd see her somewhere but she was nowhere to be found.  I couldn't even feel her presence or any residual energy.  Though I could picture her being there as she had been before.  All those memories floating around my minds eye like ghosts.  At night I tried to reach for her and call her back to me to say I'm sorry she's gone and that I miss her.  There was only emptiness.  Darkness.  Her spirit, her energy, moved on somewhere never to be felt again. 

Years later I still think about her, miss her, feel guilty, worry that she didn't know how much I loved her, didn't know how I felt because I have never been an affectionate person.  I still go to places she's been and expect to see her.  I still wonder where her soul went.  What happened to it.  What happened to her after she died.  Unlike when nan died this broke my heart and years later I can't think about it, her death, her, without feeling gutted all over again. 

picture of a very sexy man

i saw this facebook page called aussiebums and their profile pic of a man in white jocks.

it a raunchy pic that made me blush. i felt guilty for coveting this man and quickly closed the page down.

it made me wonder .. if men are more visual than women (which we are taught is fact) and this picture makes me feel and think things i shouldn't be thinking, what do images of sexy women do to men?

the answer is most likely what we'd expect it to be.  and that makes me wonder if it's safe having all these men running around with tingling loins?  personally i feel fearful about that.  it doesn't leave me feeling safe as a women having horny men running around after seeing the multitude of pornographic images everywhere.

maybe that why rape is so high? coz on top of all these images boys are told or shown that if they rape someone nothing much is really going to happen. look at that Steubenville case in America. they got something like 2 years and the girl got blamed for being drunk and had to fight for her right to claim rape.

not much self control being taught. it's like here's lots of sexy pictures to turn you on and nothing much will happen if you rape somebody, and your mates and the country are going to back you up, so go a head.

it can be a pretty powerless feeling being female.