he’s blown it

16 ways i blew my marriage. makes me think of my lover.  

he’s away a lot and mine when he’s back.  i like this arrangement because i get my space and that’s crucial.  it is not blown because of  that.  

i’m not happy.  it’s  mentally blown.  he might never have me fully.  i have my reasons for staying.  not one to like giving in, calling quits.  prefer the old been together 70 years type story.  i’m content at this point in my life.  cool job, house, not struggling for food, mine is not an overly hard life.  is stressful though.  

the article says about finding faults and name calling.  yeah that’s my world.  it’s really shaped the whole thing into a bizarre clash of the titans whenever he’s around.  i do sweet f all when he’s around because he’s taken it upon himself to tell me the many ‘better’ ways things can be done.  gets super shitty if i don’t abide by his recommendations.  get labelled all sorts of shit too on account of how poorly he thinks i do stuff.  it’s almost laughable really.  

he never wins our game of clash of the titans.  why keep going.  i ain’t ever going to back down and buy that shit.  i’m 95% content with my world.  maybe it’s too much to ask for the other 5%.  there again am i really?  

when i read the article i felt really shitty about his fault finding and the kind of damage it does.  not to my soul.  he’s not crushing me or making me believe his shit.  it just keeps me distant.  secretive.  i’ll never truly let him into my world.  and that’s where he’s blown it because it’s bloody awesome in my world.  i enjoy being me.  he has no idea he's blown it.  totally unaware.

then again how much does he let me into his world?  perhaps we've picked each other because we'll always be slightly outside of each other and that keeps us safe.  yet we're still more than we ever let anyone else in.