who's the fairest of them all?

Had some friends over on the weekend.  We were chatting about all manner of things when the subject of my weight came up.  It was mentioned in not such a flattering light.  One friend, A, commenting to another friend, B, because A had bet that B would fail to get me in shape by March.  B was adamant it could be done.  B lost the bet and A was gloating at my expense.

While A and B argued about my failure to lose weight and get fit, another friend, C, started talking to me about my weight loss.  He was aware that I wasn’t happy with the conversation, the bet and my subsequent failure being shamefully broadcast.  He started talking to me and the others about why I wasn’t having any luck even shifting 1 kilo and asked me, firstly: why a person who is obviously in a healthy weight range is so insistent on losing weight and secondly: what is my motivation.  Adding that if I’m trying to lose weight because I’m unhappy and don’t like myself then I would never achieve the weight loss because that motive isn’t enough to move me.  Further more, even if I did lose the weight I would still not like myself anymore than at present.  He suggested I concentrate instead of liking myself.  Then perhaps the weight loss might happen or maybe it won’t.

A and B started arguing with him about how important it was he not give me the idea that I shouldn’t try to lose weight.  The guy told them they’re part of the reason a healthy woman thinks she has a weight issue to begin with.

Interesting.

Now that has been said I find myself wondering ‘how do I like myself’?  It’s not as though there is some magic button I press and “hey presto!”  Do I do it through self affirmations?  I did like myself when I was in my early 20’s.  Before I began getting into serious relationships.  Some how being in relationships chips away at my self worth.  Is this because I lose myself?  It is because the guys I date don’t build me up?  Is it because they don’t allow me to be me and do all the things I love doing… or because I let them take it all away?  Again I ask ‘how do I like myself’?  How do I get that back?  What if I never get it back?  What if I never feel about myself the way I used to?

I had this idea that I would like myself once I got back to the weight I was in my early 20's but  my weight loss failure has only added to the list of 'failings' to dislike about myself.  Right now liking myself seems like some remote long lost love that will never return again and I don't even nearly know how to go about finding it again.