fault finder

It was an insidious thing.  One that crept up on a person without them seeing it coming.  In fact it could be upon them for sometime chiseling away at their self-esteem and self worth and they still might notice it there.  Though after a while 'it' would make itself known and the person would finally realise that insecurity and self doubt was niggling at the seams.

This is what had been happening to her over the years she had known him.  The odd comments always stuck out yet they were overshadowed by the sweet romantic things he did, such as the ruby earrings he presented as a gift.  While she remembered the negative comments with her elephant like memory she had never really dwelled on any of it.  Or so she thought.

Years later however cracks were beginning to show.  When she walked into a room full of people there were these loud sounds and words in her head constantly.  Am I good enough?  Am I attractive enough?  Will people like me?  Will I annoy them?  Say the wrong thing?  Pull an ugly face?  Put people off me?  Make them hate me?

She recalled a time before she'd met him when she had actually liked herself, been quite confident to the point of cocky, had admired her many talents and good qualities.  Nowadays she seemed riddled with self doubt and self loathing.  Nothing she did gave her back that feeling of self-worth.  Thinking back in a futile attempt to figure out how and where it had all started there was no date or time she could come up with.

All that appeared were the names he had called her, the statements he had made over the years: you're lazy, you don't dress sexy enough, you sit on your ass all day doing nothing, you wear too much black, I don't find you attractive, you don't do enough around the house, disappointing, embarrassing, annoying, don't meet my expectations, that outfit looked better on the dummy, should you be eating that, you'll never lose weight, next time do a better job, do you honestly think you do a good enough job, you're friends have stopped talking to you because you did or said something wrong, no one wants to be your friend because you're annoying.

So many years.  So many statements, insults, the put-downs and fault finding.  It all lead to her slow demise.  On the one hand she was still aware of her good qualities and attributes and still vaguely aware that others saw these in her.  Still, no matter what she did or said, or what others did or said, he couldn't see her qualities or attributes.  Or if he did see them he found it far more easy (and seemingly beneficial?) to point out her failings.  He would have his little digs and she would either ignore them knowing them to be false or fire up and demand he take back his statement.  Yet even this was taking it's toll on her.  It angered her and made her feel like a failure that she couldn't get him to see her strengths.  Couldn't get him to count his blessings.  Couldn't get him to to stop searching for, finding and pointing out her failings.  She knew he liked and even loved her and yet she couldn't help but wonder... who treats someone they love this way?

The questions now remained: how long could she live like this, how long could she keep up the fight for respect, how much longer until he chiseled away at what ever dignity she had left, how long would she stay with him before realising he was probably always going to find fault with her (he saw it as his job, his role) and that she should turn away now before irreparable damage was done.