this time last year

life is interesting the way it turns out. this time last year i was a wreck not dealing with life very well. work, family, friends was all getting on top of me and i wanted it all to slow down and for everyone to go away and leave me alone. as though the less people i had around me the less i had to deal with. i shut many people out, deleted fb friends, stopped phoning people or taking phone calls. ended up going away for a while because even trying to avoid people was too much hassle.

i don’t feel like that now. going away helped because i had lots of alone time and space to think. people who were close to me understood and were there for me while those who weren’t didn’t get it. they moved on. in some cases that was the point. to get them to go away.

sometimes its not a matter of the person doing something wrong. some times you just gel with a person and sometimes you don’t. i’ve met people who i don’t click with who feel they do with me, or who pretend that’s how they feel because they think they should. i’ve never worked that way. if i don’t feel it I’ll try work through it. if the feeling persists i go with that and move on. its not too offend the other person.

i do struggle still sometimes. i withdraw and go quiet. i watch other people going through life and they’re so into lots of people and doing stuff. when i was younger i used to be like that. a socialite and dancing and mingling all the time. even then i knew i had this in me. back then i would cut  myself off from the world for a week or so. just that these days my shut off periods go for longer.

i don’t know why it changed. i guess over time i moved around so much i lost track of everybody and didn’t ever feel like starting over. these days too many people make me feel anxious. too much input and i can't keep up.

i’m doing alright these days. seem to be in better spirits and feeling way better than i was feeling a year ago. funny how it changes from moment to moment. kind of wondering when it will come back again. it has happened before. for now I'll ride the sunshine while it lasts - its been a few months already.