backstabbing liars

Bumped into an old school friend.  Hadn't seen her since high school.  We were 21.  She comes over to my house unannounced when I've got a bunch of girl friends over.  She stays for a while bagging my friends to me when ever they left the room.  As she's leaving she tells me that she only became my friend in high school because she felt sorry for me because I had no friends. 
That's not the truth.  The truth is I had lots of friends until she went around telling lies about me, telling people I'd said things about them when I hadn't.  People got pissed off with me for saying these things until they realised the only one claiming I'd said stuff was her.  Once they realised she was a two faced liar they unfriended her leaving her totally friendless and the only person who would have anything to do with her after that was me.  Too gullible for my own good.  Truth is I felt sorry for her.  I knew nobody liked her.  Everyone kept telling me they don't understand what I see in her, why I stay friends with her, why I don't just ditch the lying two faced bitch.
So there she is at a my house years later after me being her only friend all throughout high school and she's telling me she feels sorry for me.  I know she said this remark because I had friends over and it rubber her insecurities the wrong way so she had to try and win back some semblance of coolness that she never had.  I laughed, gestured to the friends I had in my house and said to her, "Times have changed.  Now I've got lots of friends," knowing full well she never had groups of girls over like that.  She left looking all dejected and friendless.

It's not a nice thing to do.  Reject her like that and make her feel like a friendless loser.  She can't help hating herself and wanting to put others down so she can feel good about herself for a while.  It's just that finding out years later she was still two faced, still liked to put others down to make herself feel good, not ever having a light bulb moment and seeing that shit doesn't work.  Just made me want to tell it like it is.  That was the last time we ever saw each other and it was years over due.

why cheaters cheat

I know why cheaters cheat.  There are various reasons and various types of cheaters.  Some people are afraid of commitment don't want to be tied down to one person.  Some people want the attention and like the idea of testing if they've still got what it takes to attract others.  Some people like the thrill and the adventure.

They're not the cheaters I'm talking about.

I mean the faithful loyal lovers who would other wise never stray.  I know what can make them stray.

Imagine you're in a relationship. 10, 20, 30 years.  The partner is practically perfect in every way.  Good looking, well groomed, good manners, good teeth.  Healthy, fit.  Holds a job and isn't afraid of hard work to provide for the family.  Good hands on parent.  Generous, giving, loves to take you out to dinner.  Personable, friendly, easy going.  Communicates well.  What ever other attributes you can think of.  Only one thing is missing.

They're cold, distant.  Stingy with their emotions, feelings and affection.  They show love and affection towards the children but not to you.  Their lover, their partner.  Years of talking about it and trying to make a difference have no effect.  You've given them years of love and affection.  Compliments.  Tried to show then what it looks like to be open and affectionate.  What it feels like to receive it.  You've also withheld your affection trying to also show them how it feels not to have it.  And still nothing, nadda, zip.  They cannot be (or won't be) any other way no matter what you do or say.

Enough to drive you mad .. or into the arms of someone else who will show you love and affection.  They not shit enough to leave.  They're a good person underneath all that coldness.  It's just that you need more.  You know you deserve to be cherished, admired, treated like you're the most beautiful person in the world.

It's like daddy's girls who have cold distant dads.  They'll happily give their love away to the first boy who whispers sweet nothings in their ear.  This is the same.  You'll happy run towards the first person who whispers those sweet words in your ear because you miss it, you want it, and you're not getting it.  Your partner will never understand if they ever found out.  No light bulb moment coming their way.  So you feel you're left with no other choice.

Spend a life time with a person who leaves you feeling less than .. or have your cake and eat it by getting love and attention from someone who knows that cold and distant isn't want has lovers falling at your feet.

"Tell me I'm beautiful and I am yours."

don juan lover

dated a guy who was really into pleasing the woman.  hunting down the things that rocked her, appealed to her.  he knew if he couldn't get a woman excited he wasn't doing it right.  he prided himself on being an impressive lover and having a satisfied woman.  he had his moments, not often, where he got selfish or tired and opted for quickies.  quickies bother me.  coz it's all about the guy getting the quickie when he's in the mood and too bad if she wanted to climax as well.  never the other way around.  what about her getting some when he's not in the mood but she is?  back to the story.  one time he gets on and does his thing all hurried and not taking time to excite me and i kid you not at the end he asked me "was it good for you?"  didn't think anybody really asked that.  being direct as i am i told him it wasn't good for me.  not even nearly.  was he serious?  he was surprised and offended by my response and it lead to a big argument.  i tell him i'm in it for the climax too.  it's not just about him and his climax.  at no point during his advances did he ask me if i did or didn't want to get off as well.  there was no point where a quickie was discussed and determined as being what we both wanted.  he says something about thinking i would be pleased just to have him in me.  probably not meant the way it sounded - like he was a rock god or something.  i flipped out, gave him a big piece of my mind, saying at no time did i agree to just please him.  at no point was it discussed that i didn't also want to be pleased.  he just assumed i would be ok being used as a vesicle to store his cargo (my exact words).  that made him angry and so we both shouted back and forth.  no resolution was reached then and we didn't talk to each other for two days.  me plotting how i would make him understand my point of view, trying to figure out how and what i would say.  then i come up with an idea.  i take him to the bedroom, touch him, kiss him, get him excited.  undress him.  undress myself.  throw him on the bed all barred up.  jump on and work him for a few minutes.  without even pretending to climax i hop off him and ask him "was it good for you?"  he says "what?" realizing it isn't going to go the way he expected (much how i felt after our last encounter).  he tells me he's not done.  i tell him i am and add, "but it was a pleasure having you in me" and i get dressed and leave him alone, all barred up and no where to go.

Later he tells me I made my point well.

table top dancing

I once danced on a dinning table in hot pants and a t-shirt to an entire Deee Lite album.

Those were the days ..

r.i.p beast

Can't take it with you when you go.  So why care about it and hold it in high esteem?  It doesn't matter.  Not important in the scheme of things. It's an object.

I know that.  Logically I get it and I still miss my beloved.  When I see similar cars or cars that are the same colour I feel nostalgic and sad that the car is gone.  Almost brings a tear to the eye.  Yes I am grateful the friends who were in the car are ok.  Yes I am grateful my injuries healed.  It's just a car.  Lives are more important.

Still remember the policeman who arrived on the scene (he was cute) asking me if I drove the little dinky silver car.  The look on his face when I told him I drive the beafy V8 [that crashed into the car in front, that had crashed into the car in front and so on].  He looked a tad impressed.  I felt pride and also greif.  My car was crumpled up.

Now I drive another V8 which people tell me is so much better.  Performance wise, age wise, looks wise.  Yeah, I supose so - there's pride there.  And I still miss my beast, my beafy V8, the shark I use to call it.  Cruising, smooth, sleak, circling it's prey.  It was unique.  As far as I could research, only around 250 ever made.  Now down to 249.  A right-off.  Bye Bye car.

And I still miss my V8.

forever young

I wish I was forever locked in my fantasy.  It's fun here.  Me myself and i.  Multiple persons.  We have a great old time.

(Multiple personalities is people lost in their imaginations)

Got my dancing and singing and romance.  I'm hip and I'm grovin'  Got my stories and ideals and I'm loving life.  If only I could stay here.  Real life is such a shit.

People.  Work.  Life.  Draws me out and I don't like it.
Alas it has to happen.

Some of us are born preferring our imagination to real life.  Still I contribute to the world.  I ain't to daydreaming bludger livin' off the dole not earning my keep.

None-the-less like being lost in my world of stories and fantasies and all that.

Give me bush walking and imagining any day.

Give me dancing my guts out pretending I'm famous - or dancing for you - any day.

Plus I write and love it.  Shit load of stories to prove it.

Then life draws me out.  Reality. 

Go away .. I was happy here

date night

Speak to any relationship counselor and they'll suggest a date night for stagnant relationships were the couples have been together for a while and take each other for granted.  They got comfortable and are content to sit around ignoring each other.

He went to a counselor and got told he should have date nights with me.  Wish I'd have been there because I'd have laughed at the counselor and said what the hell point would that be?

When I go on a date with him I get one of of two things. 1. Ocotoman. 2. Distance.

Last night's date he was cold.  Walking towards him all dressed up he says nothing.  No telling me I look nice.  Nothing.  The most I get is your bum feels good in that skirt.  It's better than nothing though I want more.  We drive to the movies and he's saying and doing nothing date-ish.  May as well be going shopping for all he's giving.  No holding my hand, stealing looks at me, telling me I look nice.  We get our pop corn and go into the theater and he's sitting next to me like a statue, back straight, facing front, hands to himself.  No holding my hand, leaning towards me, putting an arm around me.  Nothing.  The most I get is him leaning over to tell me that actor is such n such from that other movie or show.  I eventually lean over to him and hold onto his arm, or put my hand on his thigh.  After some time he returns the gesture and only keeps his hand there for a little while.  It's back to playing statues.  I'm looking over at him every now and then thinking how good looking he is, wishing he'd do the same.  The movie is over and we leave talking about how good the movie was.  The Dark Knight Rises.  Wicked movie.  Loved it.  So bloody cool with a great ending and stacks of cameo appearances.  Can't wait for the next one.  In the car he's still saying and doing nothing date-ish though he does hold my hand.  By now my hand is limp.  I've lost interest.  I'm feeling depressed.  I'm feeling unattractive.  I'm feeling uninteresting.  It's all about expectations.  His expectation is date night is about going out together and doing something enjoyable.  My idea of date night is we flirt and chat and he builds me up and makes me feel 6 feet tall.  My idea is we do some extra stuff we don't normally do that removes the taking for granted comfortable content BORING stagnant feeling.  We could have sat on the sofa at home and had the same kind of dumb pathetic ignore me all night type of night.  Which is what we have all the time anyway.

The next day he's pissed off with me for confessing my feelings about the date and lack of flirting which came about because he paid me a compliment when I was half undressed saying I look good.  I replied "Oh now you compliment me."  Must have been wearing too much at the movies since the only time I'm complimentable is when I'm half naked.

And that's our date night.  Oh goodie..... can't wait until the next one.