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| can't do anything right |
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
sexually frustrated .2
... he rarely gets me excited or turns me on and rarely get's me wet. to look at him, he's hot. the intimacy of being with him, seeing him, feeling him, is nice. i like sleeping with him for that. yet, i'm the one who has to touch myself in order to get turned on. when he touches me he doesn't do it right. he misses the spot, rubs too hard, too soft, too fast, too soon. i direct him it makes no difference. he hasn't learned what my erogenous zones are and no wonder since he rarely touches me any where else aside from the triple grab boobs bum groin. he does the same moves every time even though he knows they do nothing for me.
he tells me I blow him away. i'm amazing. outstanding. a sex goddess. he on the other hand blows my mind rarely.
i read that women should take control of their own orgasm instead of relying on the man. i'm not sure if that means all the time? it's all the time in my case. if i want to orgasm i'm the only one who's going to get the job done. again, i can't rely on him. he doesn't move in ways that bring me to climax and he doesn't touch me. i have to do it myself or it doesn't happen.
i get so frustrated i think i may as well just do myself and use a vibrator for all the role he plays in my sexual pleasure. again, i don't know if this is normal? are all guys like this? so lacking in knowledge or desire to please a woman? or is he the odd one out? is it something that can be learned or taught or do you have to have the desire and interest in the first place? that's just the thing. he doesn't seem to have the desire to improve or even wish he was a better lover.
when we talk about it his attitude is usually one of self-defeating self-pity. he'd rather give up than try. because the alternative means putting in the hard yards. i get the sense he doesn't want to put in that effort. he's worried putting in the effort will equal long and arduous sex sessions while he wants simple easy sex sessions. quickies. frustrating!
when i talk to girl friends their responses are usually that he's a dud but i don't know if this is true of just him. what if all guys are duds? what if his sexual ways are typical of men? when i speak to guys about this they either advise me to give him directions (which i've done) or ditch him and go with them instead because they claim they're better. again, who's to say they're also not going to be duds? all talk and no action?
what the hell is a girl to do to get a guy to improve his skills and performance in bed?
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
dreaming demons - true story #3
When I write about the experience it seems like it happened in a blink. This kept going for years, being screamed at, shaken, sat on, pinned down, clawed at, blankets dragged off me, the feeling of being dragged off my bed. Sensing the dark shadow standing in the corner of my room watching me, waiting for me to fall asleep. Some times I would wake, immobile, hearing urgent pounding on the front door. Knowing who ever it was wasn't safe to let if but they were insistent. It almost sounded like my abusive ex boyfriend. When I would finally be able to move and check the front door there was no one there.
I used to have my boyfriend stay over as often as he could so I could sleep. I would still feel the dark presence in the room watching me and the hairs on the back of my neck would stand up. I would tell my boyfriend to turn on the light and sleep that way. He couldn't sense anything in the room yet was patient and tolerant of my panicked ways. The screaming, shaking and being sat on never happened when my boyfriend was there.
One night while lying next to my boyfriend I had a nightmare. Not something I have often. In this dream I was in Southland, shopping for clothes and noticed my ex boyfriend stalking and spying on me from behind clothes racks. I tried to get away from him, trying to hide, out run and out smart him. I got to the front of the shopping center and saw a group of bikers and decided to ask them to protect me. The agree and we all road off together on their Harley's. I knew my boyfriend would not be able to keep up because he had no transport. They took me to the beach, Edithvale if recall, and we were swimming in the sea. I bobbed under the water and the white cold arm of my ex boyfriend reached in to grab me. He had found me at the beach and managed to get to me through all the bikers.
I woke, sitting bolt up right, I was cold to touch even though it was 30degrees and my heart skipped a beat before making up for lost time. I woke my boyfriend by waking with such a fright, he turned the light on, asked me what happened. I couldn't talk. I just said I had a bad dream and then tossed and turned for a while before finally falling back to sleep.
A couple of weeks later I got a phone call from my ex's dad telling me he was dead, killed by a road train months ago. It had taken the dad a long time to find me to give me the news.
After years of what I called 'haunting' I had become an insomniac who couldn't stay awake during the day. I was losing weight, not eating, only drinking coffee (like someone from Nightmare on Elm Street - ironically I lived on Elm Road at the time). I saw a doctor, not telling him any of strange things that were happening (guess I still believe I was cracking up), only told him that I couldn't sleep and wasn't coping with life. He told me I was having a nervous breakdown, probably brought on by my anorexia. I told the doctor I wasn't anorexic, as in starving myself because I thought I was fat. I simply couldn't eat because I was too stressed. He told me to go home and eat proper meals, breakfast, lunch and dinner for two weeks in a row and see if I felt better. I felt less depressed when I ate for two weeks but nothing else changed.
One night I was asleep and woke to sensation of my blankets being pulled off me. I froze, too afraid to move. Then something grabbed my ankles and began dragging me off the foot of the bed. They dragged me slowly but didn't stop when I got to the foot of the bed. I hit the floor with a thud which actually woke me. When I went to lash out at what ever had dragged me off the bed, my left arm touched my blanket which was still on me. Turning the light on, I found that I was still in my bed tucked snugly under my covers. I hadn't moved and been dragged off the bed. It had been a dream. This made me wonder, of course, had everything else just been a dream?
A couple of weeks later my flat mate got up one morning looking white as a ghost. I asked him what happened and he told me he woke but couldn't move and he was being sat on while being hit around the face. He had been able to open his eyes and see a lady on him. I had always been on my left side facing the wall unable to open my eyes. He could tell by my expression I knew what he was talking about and I confessed that this had been happening to me for years.
However, it only happened to him once and soon stopped with me too. When I moved out what ever it was did not follow me or come with me. Whether it was nightmares or bad dreams, caused by stressed and an over active imagination, out of body experiences or some dark force trying to take me to the dark side.... I don't know. All I know is it started in that place and stopped when I left. Never to happen again.
http://www.castleofspirits.com/sleepparalysis.html
I used to have my boyfriend stay over as often as he could so I could sleep. I would still feel the dark presence in the room watching me and the hairs on the back of my neck would stand up. I would tell my boyfriend to turn on the light and sleep that way. He couldn't sense anything in the room yet was patient and tolerant of my panicked ways. The screaming, shaking and being sat on never happened when my boyfriend was there.
One night while lying next to my boyfriend I had a nightmare. Not something I have often. In this dream I was in Southland, shopping for clothes and noticed my ex boyfriend stalking and spying on me from behind clothes racks. I tried to get away from him, trying to hide, out run and out smart him. I got to the front of the shopping center and saw a group of bikers and decided to ask them to protect me. The agree and we all road off together on their Harley's. I knew my boyfriend would not be able to keep up because he had no transport. They took me to the beach, Edithvale if recall, and we were swimming in the sea. I bobbed under the water and the white cold arm of my ex boyfriend reached in to grab me. He had found me at the beach and managed to get to me through all the bikers.
I woke, sitting bolt up right, I was cold to touch even though it was 30degrees and my heart skipped a beat before making up for lost time. I woke my boyfriend by waking with such a fright, he turned the light on, asked me what happened. I couldn't talk. I just said I had a bad dream and then tossed and turned for a while before finally falling back to sleep.
A couple of weeks later I got a phone call from my ex's dad telling me he was dead, killed by a road train months ago. It had taken the dad a long time to find me to give me the news.
After years of what I called 'haunting' I had become an insomniac who couldn't stay awake during the day. I was losing weight, not eating, only drinking coffee (like someone from Nightmare on Elm Street - ironically I lived on Elm Road at the time). I saw a doctor, not telling him any of strange things that were happening (guess I still believe I was cracking up), only told him that I couldn't sleep and wasn't coping with life. He told me I was having a nervous breakdown, probably brought on by my anorexia. I told the doctor I wasn't anorexic, as in starving myself because I thought I was fat. I simply couldn't eat because I was too stressed. He told me to go home and eat proper meals, breakfast, lunch and dinner for two weeks in a row and see if I felt better. I felt less depressed when I ate for two weeks but nothing else changed.
One night I was asleep and woke to sensation of my blankets being pulled off me. I froze, too afraid to move. Then something grabbed my ankles and began dragging me off the foot of the bed. They dragged me slowly but didn't stop when I got to the foot of the bed. I hit the floor with a thud which actually woke me. When I went to lash out at what ever had dragged me off the bed, my left arm touched my blanket which was still on me. Turning the light on, I found that I was still in my bed tucked snugly under my covers. I hadn't moved and been dragged off the bed. It had been a dream. This made me wonder, of course, had everything else just been a dream?
A couple of weeks later my flat mate got up one morning looking white as a ghost. I asked him what happened and he told me he woke but couldn't move and he was being sat on while being hit around the face. He had been able to open his eyes and see a lady on him. I had always been on my left side facing the wall unable to open my eyes. He could tell by my expression I knew what he was talking about and I confessed that this had been happening to me for years.
However, it only happened to him once and soon stopped with me too. When I moved out what ever it was did not follow me or come with me. Whether it was nightmares or bad dreams, caused by stressed and an over active imagination, out of body experiences or some dark force trying to take me to the dark side.... I don't know. All I know is it started in that place and stopped when I left. Never to happen again.
http://www.castleofspirits.com/sleepparalysis.html
Sunday, December 25, 2011
dreaming demons - true story #2
It didn't happen again the following night.
It happened a couple of nights later. It started off exactly the same. Me waking and not being able to move. Lying there willing myself to open my eyes and move my body. But I couldn't.
The screaming in my ear started again and the shaking. This time the screaming and the shaking were more forceful and I felt very afraid. They stopped as suddenly as they started and when I could move I turned on my bedside lamp and again the clock said 3am. That made my heart skip a beat and I wondered what was going on and what was the significance of the time.
I lay in bed with the light on for a very long time unable to get back to sleep. Eventually I dosed off but kept waking, afraid of hearing the scream again.
When I woke in the morning I was so tired from my bad sleep.
Things began to get worse and more frequent. I began to wake in the middle of the night with a feeling of being pinned down. Something heavy sitting on my body, pinning my arms and legs down. Other times I woke to the feeling of a cat scratching at my feet. I would turn off the light and feel a dark presence standing in the corner of the room watching me, waiting for me to doze off. This ominous presence got stronger and stronger until eventually it was always there and I couldn't sleep. Even sleeping with the light on didn't stop the screaming in my ears and something shaking me.
I began drinking copious amounts of coffee and trying to keep myself awake until past 3am, since this was the time the screaming kept happening.
Being so tired all the time I began to fall asleep during the day. The screaming started happening then too. Then I started being dragged off my bed while I slept. I would wake to feel the covers moving off me very slowly and my body being dragged towards the end of the bed. Waking before I actually fell, I would see the time said 3am.
I asked friends what was happening to me. Some who believe in out body experiences told me the dark spirit was waiting for me to leave my body so it could possess my body. They told me there was a good spirit watching over me keeping me safe and making sure I got back into my body before the dark spirit did. The feeling of being dragged off the bed was symbolic of me leaving my earthly body.
Others thought it might be the spirit of my dead ex boyfriend coming back to haunt me and try and take me with him.
I began to lose weight, was unable to sleep at night time and unable to stay awake during the day. I would have friends come and stay over at night time to keep me safe and while the screaming didn't happen while they were there, the feeling of something dark standing over me prevailed.
It happened a couple of nights later. It started off exactly the same. Me waking and not being able to move. Lying there willing myself to open my eyes and move my body. But I couldn't.
The screaming in my ear started again and the shaking. This time the screaming and the shaking were more forceful and I felt very afraid. They stopped as suddenly as they started and when I could move I turned on my bedside lamp and again the clock said 3am. That made my heart skip a beat and I wondered what was going on and what was the significance of the time.
I lay in bed with the light on for a very long time unable to get back to sleep. Eventually I dosed off but kept waking, afraid of hearing the scream again.
When I woke in the morning I was so tired from my bad sleep.
Things began to get worse and more frequent. I began to wake in the middle of the night with a feeling of being pinned down. Something heavy sitting on my body, pinning my arms and legs down. Other times I woke to the feeling of a cat scratching at my feet. I would turn off the light and feel a dark presence standing in the corner of the room watching me, waiting for me to doze off. This ominous presence got stronger and stronger until eventually it was always there and I couldn't sleep. Even sleeping with the light on didn't stop the screaming in my ears and something shaking me.
I began drinking copious amounts of coffee and trying to keep myself awake until past 3am, since this was the time the screaming kept happening.
Being so tired all the time I began to fall asleep during the day. The screaming started happening then too. Then I started being dragged off my bed while I slept. I would wake to feel the covers moving off me very slowly and my body being dragged towards the end of the bed. Waking before I actually fell, I would see the time said 3am.
I asked friends what was happening to me. Some who believe in out body experiences told me the dark spirit was waiting for me to leave my body so it could possess my body. They told me there was a good spirit watching over me keeping me safe and making sure I got back into my body before the dark spirit did. The feeling of being dragged off the bed was symbolic of me leaving my earthly body.
Others thought it might be the spirit of my dead ex boyfriend coming back to haunt me and try and take me with him.
I began to lose weight, was unable to sleep at night time and unable to stay awake during the day. I would have friends come and stay over at night time to keep me safe and while the screaming didn't happen while they were there, the feeling of something dark standing over me prevailed.
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