suicide

every one's calling it unaliving like the s word is a dirty word

they say the person i know who is missing would never do that

they don't know

you don't know

i don't know

i come across to those who know me as planning out a future for myself, i've got and make plans

there's no way i'll do myself in.

i'm going places

but

when i get intoxicated

drunk and other stuff

i can
get really down, reaching the darkest corners of my mind

i thought life would be like, i thought i'd be, i thought i'd like it more, be happier, surrounded by loved ones, gatherings, dancing, singing, laughing, be something, amount to something

and it's/i'm not

when sober i suffer this, so what, that's life (as cousins said)

i go it, i get by

but

sometimes i image wandering into the wilderness never to be seen again

and it won't matter

it is what it is

you don't know me

know my darkest thoughts 

ode to mia mamma no 1

you said i'm your best friend

yet you never took my side

you asked me to pay for things

you gave to others for free

you pointed out my imperfections

to my face and to others

i'd talk to you, tell you my side

and not be believed when your heard their's

that's not how best friends treat each other

you didn't have my back

or my best interests at heart

you've never really been there for me

never truly done anything for me

and falsely claim i'mm your best friend

what you provide is not friendship

let alone best friends

ode to mia mamma no 2

when i did it i was scrooge, tight arse, not generous

all of age 18

he was well into not giving well into adulthood

he was never scrooge, tight arse, not generous

he didn't know any better, you excused

because you're not calling him names, making him, asking him, coaching him

i've been more giving to you than he's ever been!

but i'm the tight wad

never letting the moths out of my purse

til death do we part

pretend friends : story 1

we're not friends. we simply know each other.

thought there could be at the start. she'd said something about me & beau needing to spend time with her and her bf coz they're going really amazing, after she heard of our struggles. beau could learn from them, she said. watch the love birds interact and learn.

her and another pretend friend invited me to their birthday event and as soon as i arrived they plied with me drinks on the notion 'i needed to catch up.'

you must drink, passes a shotty, i see they have an empty glass or two, we've already had a few, you need to catch up... another shotty. and yet .. it seems like they're not drinking as much as they've given me. in quick succession.

i'm soon drunk around 2 peeps i don't know well and while they'll keep me safe, i'm not safe from their judgement. but it's a new friendship and i don't know that yet. but i sense it. i'm an idiot drunk that night, going up to strangers and drunkedly talking to them. idiot.

i crave conversation and someone to dance with, and they don't understand, and it's emotionally embarrassing.

then we're invited for dinner, all the families. it doesn't go that well. the men are segregated at a table outside surrounded by a neglected dull garden. the lasses are inside, chatting away nicely, children in another room. no mingling. the men join us later but it doesn't flow well, feels forced. i think one man goes to bed early.

next day or so she sends a text saying they're not looking to add extra friends to their already full friendship list. you understand.

no worries. all good, i reply. we're ousted yet unsure why.

from there we catch up sporadically and they only conversation they have with me is ragging out an ex mutual friend. i'm soon bored of the topic, keep changing the subject, and it keeps coming back to ragging. people who rag others rag you. my spidey senses are tingling in an unenjoyable way.

i stop suggesting catchups, then stop saying yes to invites.

we're not really friends. it's just pretend. i don't think any of us get any thing out of it.

The right to abortion

it amazes me, in this day and age, that people want to have laws that force pregnancies upon females (women & girls, because young girls fall pregnant too).

this is not the dark ages. this is not a time of ignorance and intolerance (well it is .. but it shouldn't be.)

and what of the males (men & boys) who get females pregnant? what happens to them? are they forced to pay for said abortions? will they be in trouble for the females unwanted pregnancies?

most of the females i know who've had abortions had them because the male who had gotten them pregnant didn't want to stay with them, didn't want the baby or didn't want to pay for the raising of the baby. it was his idea not hers. his enforcement.

there are still many females who willing choose abortion over having a baby, as is their right. if a male can forfeit all rights and responsibilities while should females be forced to go through with a birth?

not everyone will have an enjoyable, healthy, safe pregnancy. why force it on someone?

not everyone will make a good parent. why force it on someone?

not all babies will be born healthy and happy. why force it on someone / society?

i get we live in a time of survival of all, instead of survival of the fittest, and it's no longer acceptable to remove severely disable people from the community, even though some disabilities will be and are a drain on the economy and that person will not have a good life .. but a mere existence.

why are we so insistent of the birth and survival of all?

it's not like the world isn't over populated already. it's not like we don't have all these other children in need of care right now, who are abused, neglected, tortured, raped etc. while little is done to help them.

will all those who believe abortion is wrong be forced to foster children since they wholeheartedly believe all life is important .. or will they get to sit in their glass houses judging others who choose not too have children?

do those who believe in anti-abortion eat meat? meat is murder. why do fetus lives matter while animals lives do not?

do those who believe in anti-abortion watch pornography? pornography is the suffering, abuse and torture of people. who are they to say that abortion is wrong yet abuse of people is ok.

do those who believe in anti-abortion abuser others, judge others, hate others. why is one sin seen as ok while another sin is not?

if those who are anti-abortion believe in god and that is the reason they see abortion as wrong, then they need to be quiet and leave it in gods hands. for if god truly does believe abortion is wrong (even though the bible is full of tales of god asking followers to kill) it will be taken care of come judgement day, yes? no need for man to get involved at all right!

at the end of they day we are but mere ants. we live. we die. we're forgotten. lives goes on.

move on.

get over it.

the man of my dreams - poem

i dated the man of my dreams
  he was a veritable apollo
    but not ready to settle down

i dated the man of my dreams
  he was brilliant in bed
    but volatile out of bed

i dated the man of my dreams
  he was kind and compassionate
    but ruled by his mother

i dated the man of my dreams
  he was a terrific dancer
    but a game player

i dated the man of my dreams
  he was an amazing artist
    but cold as ice

i dated the man of my dreams
  he was all about unconditional love
    but he was a nomad

i dated the man of my dreams
  he was financially savvy
    but controlling and distant

if only i could pool all those fine qualities, and delete all the shitty ones, into the one
'man of my dreams'

life sucks

there is an offensive rental van that says: life s@cks if my gf doesn't.

but she's a slut, a ho, a trollop, promiscuous if she does. too many times females are treated lowly for giving sexual pleasure to a males .. and seen as frigid if they don't.

this is a derogatory statement made by men for men. it shows little regard or respect for females. 
the same men are the one's who wear t.shirts like this ..

[how many guys are reciprocating? how many guys are going down town? what about how her life sucks b/c he doesn't?]

for some reason there are males out there who don't respect females who have sex with them. 

and males who don't like gay guys who also find males hot either.

who picked your sexuality?

who picked theirs?

if men don't like men who find men sexy.

and they don't like women who find them sexy either.

maybe men dislike themselves so much they believe no one should find them sexy?