first encounter of the non closest kind

it had been a few months since she's moved in to his space. she was biting her tongue, however, things were irritating. his constant and perpetual detachment. what the... ? she'd never seen anything like it. not talking. not listening. watching tv all the time, almost obsessed with it. if she dared turn it off, stand in the way, try to distract him .. he lost his shit. even (especially) during ads. eating dinner with him, it was still silence. communication an at all time minimum!!!!

she fluffed and flaunted, strutted and preened like a well trained peacock. nothing.
she cooked and fed and stuffed him full of culinary delights. nothing.
she sexed it up like some techno, ripped, ballerina, belly dancer. nothing.
all but donned the maid outfit to dust and clean for his highness. nothing.

one day the captive princess called him up on it and asked .. is this all i'm getting, what about the rest of you? i've given to you, primped and preened, domestic goddess, space, attachment, distance, fun. what does it take? what are you giving of yourself in return?

his immediate response is to shush her, tell her off. how dare she interrupt 'his time'? she silently disappears which is what he wanted. her learning her place and staying there. he's boss and the show runs his way.

hurt .. she's thinking he'll at least ask her what she wanted later. low and behold he doesn't. not minutes later, not hours, not that night in bed when he presses up against her wanting to use her body - and gets rejected because he hasn't apologized for fobbing her off and speaking to her rudely. not days or even weeks later. what he does do is ignore her for days and when she (finally) starts a conversation he tells her, "i thought you we angry with me which is why i wasn't talking to you". (blames her reaction for his reaction).

"no. love. it's not anger, you hurt me! you snapped and got angry because i wanted to talk. and you never asked if there was something you could afterwards to take the hurt away." she states.

instead of getting it, and unbeknownst to him or her, he begins and internal dialog that goes something like this: how dare she reject me sexually, here i was just trying to make up to her by having sex and she rejects me, and what! because i was watching tv, couldn't she see i was watching tv when she wanted to talk. how dare she after i let her come here and stay in my house and eat my food and use my electricity. who the fuck does she think she is to take me for granted. i work long days slogging away so she can eat and have a roof over her head. how dare she pull me up and try to make me look bad! how dare she!

in a few days when she thinks he's calmed down enough to talk, (keeping in the mind the way he reacted to her interruption has left her weary of what will set him off again), she asks him if they can talk now. he happily asks what about, thinking the other days topic is all done and dusted - because he showed her her place. she begins to talk about how she asked him the other day if he'll be more attentive and if he's thought about what she said. his reaction is even more severe than before. he's had time to think and fester about how RUDE and ungrateful she is .. this time he tells her ..
i work all day, 12 hours shifts (so you should BOW DOWN TO ME his royal holiness), i want to come home and just relax and watch some tv, i don't want deep and meaning conversations, and why should we talk now when you rejected me the other night and haven't spoken to me since. (again blaming her for his reaction).

the illogic astounds her. where does he get his sense of 'the order of things'. what he's saying is not what happened at all and his reactions are disproportionate to the request. which he hasn't fully heard or acknowledged yet because he fobbed her off, twice, too busy needing to put her in her place and be king of the household to hear her out.

afterwards, all encounters are strained, worse, added onto, like a long gigantic list of 'look at all you've done to hurt me'. him: you cracked the shits with me and rejected me sexually and made me angry, so i'm going to shut you out even more. her: you treated me badly when i'm trying to make things better, not the other way around? and so it goes and goes and goes like a whopping never ending not-so-merry-go-round of her trying to talk and remedy and him trying to shut her up with anger and blaming.

we all know what the future holds ..

my book on getting lucky - part 1

if date night doesn't end with good sex it didn't go well. something went amiss.
it starts at the start. when she's getting dressed and he compliments her, lets her know he likes what he sees and will be thinking of her in that outfit all night. maybe it's her lips and he'll be thinking of kissing her all night. maybe her bottom looks good and he'll be thinking of putting a hand on it.

at the place - party, club, dinner - he gives her a look or 10. reiterates that he's thinking of kissing her. watches her lips or eyes or hands or curves as she talks, eats, dances.

over the night he sneaks in a kiss, a light caress of her bottom, neck, chests, arms, a wink. he could sneak a moment and caress and kiss while he thinks no-one is looking or can see. show a little bit of lust throughout the night. doesn't take much time or thought, just show her what he's thinking. (and if he's not thinking about making love to her and she knows it because of his lack of affections, bad luck if he misses out).
make her feel sexy, special, desirable, while also enjoying her company because he likes her mind or friendship or carefree attitude (whatever appeals). it's pretty much a given she'll flirt back. who wouldn't.

in the room he is showing her what he's been thinking all night. touching caressing, kissing. it's about her and how she makes him feel. again she'll follow in suit. he drags it out, keeping the lust and teasing of the night going for as long as she/they can take it. she'll let him know when she's ready unless she does the 'let's get it over with because there was failure to turn her on' move. he'll get lucky yet the date night didn't end with good sex and she'll remember and note it. it lowers his chances on getting lucky in the future.

if dates nights go well both could get lucky every time. unless prior to date night something happened (toothache, dad died, had a fight and failed to make up or use the night to make up).

getting lucky depends ..

turn me on

men and sex.
i'm starting to wonder if there are any men who are good at it. who don't see sex as simply sticking the penis in the vagina, thrusting about, climaxing, then rolling over. get a blow up doll you fuck!
are there men out there who know there is more to sex than that?
are there men out there who know the joy of teasing, pleasing and enjoying the woman? who know that giving is just as good as receiving? men who know her pleasure is just as important as his?
if so .. are they the majority or the minority?
how many men know, do and live this? few or many?
in this day and age of enlightenment and supposed human superiority how many men actually know how to make love to a woman, to devour her, lap her up, please her, get her ready, wet and wanting, turn her on?
how many men want to do this? or do most want to use her as a prop for their own private porn show? sticking it to her this way and that. grabbing tits, arse and vagina thinking that's all it takes to turn her on. or making out for a minute or two thinking that's enough to turn her on.
i really want to know .. how many men are actually good in bed? good lovers? great lovers who know what they're doing and want her to enjoy the activity as much as they do?

missed you

I missed you for a moment today

When some body laughed like you 

mr right

my fear is i'll never meet him. mr right. someone who makes me smile.
some people say you only get one chance. what if that's true? i've had a true love before, true unconditional love. we pestered each other, aggravated each other, shitted each other and fought. we still loved the other no matter what. why? how? what made us love each other no matter what?
what if we only get once chance? what if i'll never have that again?

why didn't i have that with him? (the next one) no matter what we did we never had that unconditional love. why? him? me? why couldn't we over come it? what boulders were in the way? what mountains? either way i / we couldn't scale them? (i love you and set you free .. )

i can see he was mean. and i let him be. why? what was i telling myself? that we only get once chance .. and my chance was gone. just gotta suck that shit up?

what if we only get one chance? what if he never comes. that's my fear. he must be getting tired of me calling, shouting, crying out his name. i'm getting heartbroken of the fact that he never comes. where art thou. come and save me. save me from myself. i need to know you're there and that i don't only get one chance.

falling for a stranger

i don't know you
you're an enigma
a part of my imagination
only i've met you
you are real

just a mystery
a conundrum
why the attraction?
why do i like you?
this person i don't know

this person i'll never see again
don't understand it
you're not classically handsome
you didn't flirt with me
nor i you

and yet there it was
that instant attraction
instantly liking who you are
what you're like
you're sense of humor

and this big deep feeling
of depression
that washed over me
when i had to say good bye
no more spending time with you

now there is an empty void
and i don't understand it
why do i care?
it makes no sense
coz we weren't anything

i'm like some crazy mad woman
liking some stranger
someone i don't know
feeling things that can't be explained
wishing i had more time with you

accidental facebook event ruined a friendship

couple of years ago i got a invite to an event on fb. it was from a childhood best-friend whom i'd recently rekindled the friendship with (before fb). we'd been hanging out again, having dinner parties together, all that stuff. was a little stocked to get the invite. pleased she was thinking of me. on the day i get dressed up & off i go to this party. her family & friends are there, most of whom i know from the years she & i spent together. they're happy enough to see me & all is well. until my friend arrives. first thing she says is 'what are you doing here?' i tell her i got her fb invite. she tells me she never sent me an invite & she's giving me that look like i'm a stalker. i know she sent me an invite though i'm standing there thinking it must have been accidental. i tell her i clicked 'attending' on the event page so she'd have seen i was coming. she tells me she can't hang around me coz she's got to mingle & i  tell her that's fine. i have a good time mingling myself. hadn't been out in ages & was happy to be socializing. check the invite later on but it's been removed coz the event has passed so can't prove to her that i'm not lying. send her a fb message, sorry for the mix up, don't know what happened, definitely got an invite, must have been accidentally invited. she doesn't reply. over the next weeks mutual friends who attended the party start deleting me from their friend list. she stays my friend, except she has a hens night & gets married & doesn't invite me or even tell me she's met a man or getting married. contact her to say congrats. she talks like all is well. never hear from her again. never contact her again. still friends on fb for some time until i notice she doesn't like any comment i make on her page while liking everyone else's. time to nip that friendship in the bud. and all because of an accidental fb invite.