changes in libido

when i was a young girl i did imagine sex. i though of it as two people lying on top of each other, naked, kissing. i didn’t know anything about penises entering vagina's or orgasms or babies. nothing more than the basics. boys were different to girls and women had babies and boobs.  boobs fascinated me. i couldn’t wait to get my own boobs and have guys be enthralled with me they way men were enthralled with women and boobs on tv.

during my teen years i was never interested in sex. the closest i got to getting excited was then i was 15 and i visited a boy from school who was my age. when i came over his mum let me in while he was in the shower. he came out of the shower with just a towel around his waist, into the lounge room where i was and asked me to pass him a shirt. he only popped around the door way, not exposing himself fully. though not sexually aware or active i did think, “wow that was hot”. i know he noticed too because he grinned at me.

by late teens i had my first real boyfriend and he was always in the mood while i rarely was. we were mere toddlers playing with matches. we had no idea about sex or getting the girl aroused. what i knew i learned from him and his knowledge was limited. sex often hurt (because i was not lubricated) but was over fairly quickly so i played along. as the months passed by i began to feel sparks of wanton when i was around him. so i began to put moves on him now and again. still not quite enjoying sex, in the back of my mind i knew i was missing something. i thought i was missing him loving me - as appose to using me for sex.

my second boyfriend showed me what i was missing. he got me to orgasm and once i’d had that i knew what sex was all about.

still it took me a while to get my head around sex at this age. as in i was hard to arouse and thus hard to climax. now and again i would feel ‘horny’ and instigate sex, but rarely was i turned on or aroused. during my early to mid twenties i had issues with boyfriends mistaking my horniness for being ready. if i instigated sex it was assumed i was ‘ready’ (as in lubricated) and they’d want to just get to it. this type of sex coupled with the fact that i couldn’t organism during sex left me uninterested in sex in general. i could take it or leave it and when it was good i was glad and wanted more.

towards late twenties the libido began to turn up a notch. i had always been very visual. see a shirtless guy and i’d feel excitement and desire. i wouldn’t get aroused the way a guy might get aroused seeing a naked or semi naked girl but the lust was there. approaching the big three zero things spiked. some thing changed like a switch being turned on.

visual-ness peaked. suddenly there are so many gorgeous men and not enough life times to have them all. arousal happens spontaneously and even when no one is around. the feeling of sexiness is at an all time high. as is the desire to be cheeky and wear sexy items. it’s not that I’m a raving nymph. there are still moments when sex is the furthest thing on my mind and i couldn’t get in the mood if you paid me. yet the want, lust and desire are there now more than they were when i was younger. there is knowledge and passion where there was once naivety and disinterest. so completely different to how i was during my teens and even early twenties when sex was some obligatory thing you did to keep the guy happy. now i see it as something to do to keep me happy. i see sex as one of those things in life you can enjoy for free (or at little cost in any case).

i don’t know if there will be a life begins at forty thing or how things will be with regards to sex during the 50’s and beyond. i want to keep at it for ever and keep having fun and feeling sexy but for all i know there will be more important things on my mind in the future.

at least at this point in my life i like sex and i am happy about that.

story - kiss

"a firm hand slid behind my neck pulling me to him and he kissed me hard and full of passion, tongue searching and finding mine. the taste of drink from the party on his moist lips. i heard him groan softly as though this was too much for him. the kiss fell into place without any awkwardness or difference in our way of finding and exploring each others mouths." KD

lost

i’ve been feeling very lonely lately. i don’t know when it started but i know i’ve been feeling very unhappy with my life for months now. usually i want to cling to him in these moments, a big downfall of mine. i’m starting to have realizations that he is not my friend or in any case is my enemy. he is not safe. i am not safe in his hands. i cannot open up to him and be safe. it isn’t safe to do so. i’ve been openly telling him of these feelings lately. essentially what I’m saying is if I’m safe, prove it.

when i think of him leaving me those months ago and me taking him back, i can’t tell if i’m just too weak to escape. what it feels like is i’ve lost myself and i need to fight to get that back gain. up til now i’ve been thinking the best way to find me is to escape, to end it with him, yet being too weak to go. this year is the year to find myself. what is hard is the more i look around the more i see what i’ve lost and it’s daunting trying to get that back. i feel overwhelmed and i don’t know where to start. that is the main reason i haven't done anything about my situation up til now.

feeling unhappy with my life, its not just sad but a big emptiness, a big void, so huge it seems hard to fill. a big lonely black emptiness. this makes me question every thing, existence, the relationship, my life, my achievements (not so many), who and what i’ve become. 

when we met he told me he didn't like me being gothic. didn't want me wearing black all the time. told me it wasn't sexually appealing because there was never any excitement about what i might be wearing. it was always black, always gothic all of the time. so i stopped and changed it up a bit. a simple thing like that turned out to be quite controlling and overwhelming and i forgot myself. let myself go. changed myself for him. and for what? what did it get me? was he more attentive or passionate after i changed it up. no. not at all. in fact he started adding to the list .. all the things that were uninspiring about me. all the things i needed to change in order to have him be more responsive (nicer) to me. it didn't work. it never worked. he lied. he was never going to be responsive. i gave myself up for nothing.

i am hoping that after a while of me getting me back there will a snowball effect. i’ll like me. i’ll feel good or better. he’ll notice i’m feeling better. he’ll notice i’m not picking fights, just going about my own thing. his mood will then pick up and we can get back to something good. if not, then perhaps i'll get my confidence enough to end this if that is what needs to be done.

i suppose i’ll never have conversation with him and that is the one thing that bums me out. he's not a talker. not a converser. never will be. i’d love conversation because the lack of it is the one thing that causes me to feel lonely the most. i’ll work on one thing at a time and see how i go. i don’t know if finding me will make my need for conversation decrease, or perhaps i’ll find a like-minded friend and get my conversation that way. ??

one step at a time. 

don't engage

operation “don’t engage” is coming along nicely. he phoned tonight to talk to me about my facebook post.  “what’s with the facebook post…” he starts off, telling me he doesn’t like my post.

i refuse to engage in a fight. i let him have his say but did not arc up, defend or justify. i laughed it off, asked him what he’s referring to. he says my latest post, everyone knows the post is about him and it makes him look bad. 

i asked him jovially if that was the reason he rang, adding i thought he was ringing because he missed me. that threw him for a bit and he went quiet. i asked him if it was dinner time for him. he had already eaten, rice, chicken, prawns etc. then he says, “anyway, that’s the reason i rang. i don’t like your facebook post”.  i told him his concern was duly noted. he said “not that that does much”. 

still jovial i talked about how the post .. regarding me doing copious amounts of house work, but don't tell anyone coz i want to maintain a facade of laziness .. is about a secret i’ve kept under wraps and am proud to have maintained for so long, that i'm not really as lazy as i pretend to be (& make light of it on fb). 

he said that is not what he thinks it says at all, that it is obviously about him and everyone knows it and now thinks badly of him. (it's not true since no one out in the world knows he constantly puts me down and calls me lazy. it is a post directed at him, yes, but in a way that's meant to make him [and only him] realise i'm not as lazy as he tells me i am).

i said happy as larry, “anyway you’re in a bad mood so I’ll let you go and you can call me back when you’re in a better mood.” and we hung up.

normally i’d have fired up. gotten angry with him telling me what i’m not allowed to post on facebook. i would have defended my actions, justified and tried to reason with him so he can see that i was not wrong or bad for doing what i (as free and grown adult) have done. 

he would have gotten angry with the fact that I'm never accountable for my actions. 

it would have been an angry phone conversation that ended on a bad note. but i’m not going to justify myself to him anymore. i’m not going to engage in his fault finding, critiques and put downs. if he wants to point out my failings so be it. i refuse to engage in that combat any more. obviously he wants to pick fights, have battles and start a war with me… and all this time i’ve been warring back. no more. if he is looking for a war he’ll find he’s fighting alone, that i’m not fighting back.

KD