virgin and the theif

7am Sunday morning laying down on a bench seat at a train station waiting for the next train.  Train's not due until 9am so I'm trying to doze off because I'm bored.  A shadow falls across me and I hear someone approach.  Looking up I'm surprised to see my cousin standing in front of me.  He is as surprised to see me and asks me when the next train is.  When I tell him it's hours away my cousin confesses the police are on his tail.  He stole a bike and they want to question him about the theft.  Don't tell them you saw me, he asks of me, then he nicks off.  Laying back down on the bench it's not long before the police arrive asking me if I've seen a boy passing by.  I point off in the opposite direction telling them he ran off that way.  They thank me and go on their way.  When I lay back down I think what are the odds that the perp would bump into someone he knows, who seems like a random stranger to the police, at a random train station, who sends them on a bum steer.  They'll catch up to my cousin one day.  I was also thinking about the odds of bumping into my cousin, whom I hadn't seen in years, the morning after I'd lost my virginity.  I'd bumped into his older brother the night before.  I'd met up with my boyfriend and his mates at the train station.  The first time I'd been to that train station and didn't know where I was going.  We all went back to his mates place and later up the street so the boys could get something to eat.  There was my older cousin out the front of the shop excited to see me, and me him.  Hadn't seen each other is years.  He was still as handsome as ever.  He asked me what I was doing there, who I was with, was he treating me good, let him know if ever I needed him to have a word in my boyfriend's ear.  Be good to my cuz or else.  I told my cousin, nah he's good, treating me well.  The mate of my boyfriend had to sneak me in to his house after his mum went out for the night.  I had to go to bed before the mum got home.  I didn't think of it at the time and when my boyfriend woke me up really early, telling me I had to sneak out before the mum woke and got up, I wasn't pleased.  Hate waking early.  And there I was at the train station waiting for the next train to take me home.

eyes

celibacy

Celibacy.  People argue should we be celibate?  Is it normal or going against our biological nature?  I'm in two minds.  It's not normal.  People need sex.  Not all people, some don't, most do.  Depriving people of sex or putting them in jobs where they're not allowed to have sex for the rest of their life isn't right.  Isn't good.  On the flip side I like the idea of being able to control my baser needs.  Like the idea of challenging ourselves this way.  Do we rule our baser needs or do they rule us?  I was celibate for a while just to prove to myself I could do it.  It was good and bad.  My levels of concentration were really good.  No man distractions.  The job got done.  On the flip side my level of erotic dreams went up - they always do when I haven't had some in a while.  Like it was my bodies way of saying 'you need this'.  I could manage going without and was coping just fine.  The erotic dreams came in batches.  I'd have days of dreaming in a row then nothing for a while.  Even felt like I was climaxing in my dreams and in real life as I woke which is a nice satisfactory feeling.  Still, think it's our minds way of saying something is missing.  Biologically you're meant to have this and you're missing out, your body needs  this.

backstabbing liars

Bumped into an old school friend.  Hadn't seen her since high school.  We were 21.  She comes over to my house unannounced when I've got a bunch of girl friends over.  She stays for a while bagging my friends to me when ever they left the room.  As she's leaving she tells me that she only became my friend in high school because she felt sorry for me because I had no friends. 
That's not the truth.  The truth is I had lots of friends until she went around telling lies about me, telling people I'd said things about them when I hadn't.  People got pissed off with me for saying these things until they realised the only one claiming I'd said stuff was her.  Once they realised she was a two faced liar they unfriended her leaving her totally friendless and the only person who would have anything to do with her after that was me.  Too gullible for my own good.  Truth is I felt sorry for her.  I knew nobody liked her.  Everyone kept telling me they don't understand what I see in her, why I stay friends with her, why I don't just ditch the lying two faced bitch.
So there she is at a my house years later after me being her only friend all throughout high school and she's telling me she feels sorry for me.  I know she said this remark because I had friends over and it rubber her insecurities the wrong way so she had to try and win back some semblance of coolness that she never had.  I laughed, gestured to the friends I had in my house and said to her, "Times have changed.  Now I've got lots of friends," knowing full well she never had groups of girls over like that.  She left looking all dejected and friendless.

It's not a nice thing to do.  Reject her like that and make her feel like a friendless loser.  She can't help hating herself and wanting to put others down so she can feel good about herself for a while.  It's just that finding out years later she was still two faced, still liked to put others down to make herself feel good, not ever having a light bulb moment and seeing that shit doesn't work.  Just made me want to tell it like it is.  That was the last time we ever saw each other and it was years over due.

why cheaters cheat

I know why cheaters cheat.  There are various reasons and various types of cheaters.  Some people are afraid of commitment don't want to be tied down to one person.  Some people want the attention and like the idea of testing if they've still got what it takes to attract others.  Some people like the thrill and the adventure.

They're not the cheaters I'm talking about.

I mean the faithful loyal lovers who would other wise never stray.  I know what can make them stray.

Imagine you're in a relationship. 10, 20, 30 years.  The partner is practically perfect in every way.  Good looking, well groomed, good manners, good teeth.  Healthy, fit.  Holds a job and isn't afraid of hard work to provide for the family.  Good hands on parent.  Generous, giving, loves to take you out to dinner.  Personable, friendly, easy going.  Communicates well.  What ever other attributes you can think of.  Only one thing is missing.

They're cold, distant.  Stingy with their emotions, feelings and affection.  They show love and affection towards the children but not to you.  Their lover, their partner.  Years of talking about it and trying to make a difference have no effect.  You've given them years of love and affection.  Compliments.  Tried to show then what it looks like to be open and affectionate.  What it feels like to receive it.  You've also withheld your affection trying to also show them how it feels not to have it.  And still nothing, nadda, zip.  They cannot be (or won't be) any other way no matter what you do or say.

Enough to drive you mad .. or into the arms of someone else who will show you love and affection.  They not shit enough to leave.  They're a good person underneath all that coldness.  It's just that you need more.  You know you deserve to be cherished, admired, treated like you're the most beautiful person in the world.

It's like daddy's girls who have cold distant dads.  They'll happily give their love away to the first boy who whispers sweet nothings in their ear.  This is the same.  You'll happy run towards the first person who whispers those sweet words in your ear because you miss it, you want it, and you're not getting it.  Your partner will never understand if they ever found out.  No light bulb moment coming their way.  So you feel you're left with no other choice.

Spend a life time with a person who leaves you feeling less than .. or have your cake and eat it by getting love and attention from someone who knows that cold and distant isn't want has lovers falling at your feet.

"Tell me I'm beautiful and I am yours."

don juan lover

dated a guy who was really into pleasing the woman.  hunting down the things that rocked her, appealed to her.  he knew if he couldn't get a woman excited he wasn't doing it right.  he prided himself on being an impressive lover and having a satisfied woman.  he had his moments, not often, where he got selfish or tired and opted for quickies.  quickies bother me.  coz it's all about the guy getting the quickie when he's in the mood and too bad if she wanted to climax as well.  never the other way around.  what about her getting some when he's not in the mood but she is?  back to the story.  one time he gets on and does his thing all hurried and not taking time to excite me and i kid you not at the end he asked me "was it good for you?"  didn't think anybody really asked that.  being direct as i am i told him it wasn't good for me.  not even nearly.  was he serious?  he was surprised and offended by my response and it lead to a big argument.  i tell him i'm in it for the climax too.  it's not just about him and his climax.  at no point during his advances did he ask me if i did or didn't want to get off as well.  there was no point where a quickie was discussed and determined as being what we both wanted.  he says something about thinking i would be pleased just to have him in me.  probably not meant the way it sounded - like he was a rock god or something.  i flipped out, gave him a big piece of my mind, saying at no time did i agree to just please him.  at no point was it discussed that i didn't also want to be pleased.  he just assumed i would be ok being used as a vesicle to store his cargo (my exact words).  that made him angry and so we both shouted back and forth.  no resolution was reached then and we didn't talk to each other for two days.  me plotting how i would make him understand my point of view, trying to figure out how and what i would say.  then i come up with an idea.  i take him to the bedroom, touch him, kiss him, get him excited.  undress him.  undress myself.  throw him on the bed all barred up.  jump on and work him for a few minutes.  without even pretending to climax i hop off him and ask him "was it good for you?"  he says "what?" realizing it isn't going to go the way he expected (much how i felt after our last encounter).  he tells me he's not done.  i tell him i am and add, "but it was a pleasure having you in me" and i get dressed and leave him alone, all barred up and no where to go.

Later he tells me I made my point well.

table top dancing

I once danced on a dinning table in hot pants and a t-shirt to an entire Deee Lite album.

Those were the days ..

r.i.p beast

Can't take it with you when you go.  So why care about it and hold it in high esteem?  It doesn't matter.  Not important in the scheme of things. It's an object.

I know that.  Logically I get it and I still miss my beloved.  When I see similar cars or cars that are the same colour I feel nostalgic and sad that the car is gone.  Almost brings a tear to the eye.  Yes I am grateful the friends who were in the car are ok.  Yes I am grateful my injuries healed.  It's just a car.  Lives are more important.

Still remember the policeman who arrived on the scene (he was cute) asking me if I drove the little dinky silver car.  The look on his face when I told him I drive the beafy V8 [that crashed into the car in front, that had crashed into the car in front and so on].  He looked a tad impressed.  I felt pride and also greif.  My car was crumpled up.

Now I drive another V8 which people tell me is so much better.  Performance wise, age wise, looks wise.  Yeah, I supose so - there's pride there.  And I still miss my beast, my beafy V8, the shark I use to call it.  Cruising, smooth, sleak, circling it's prey.  It was unique.  As far as I could research, only around 250 ever made.  Now down to 249.  A right-off.  Bye Bye car.

And I still miss my V8.