drunken romance

"As our romantic dinners progressed invariably the level of alcohol consumption rose steadily, he’d begin to warm up and soften up and open up, where by things would get considerably worse.  The topic would then become drunken sexual flirtations where he would say un-romantic things like, “I can’t wait to get you home rip your clothes off and pound you.”  Like I was a piece of meat and he was a butcher.  Comments made were about him and what he’d like to do to me to get his rocks off.  Never were they about how I made him feel, how sexy I was or what he’d like to do for me and why – certainly it was never about wanting to please me because his love for me was so great that he lived his life to do so.  It was all about servicing him.  I’d cringe and feel panic rising deep in my stomach knowing that when we got home he intended to become octoman, with little foreplay or regard for whether I was turned on or not.  Attempts at twisting his un-romantic and rather crude comments into something more affectionate, flirtatious or about the both of us in his sexual encounter were unsuccessful. 
I’d find myself ordering more wine to fill him so that he’d be so drunk he’d pass out when we got home.  While I would stop drinking altogether.  I needed to sober up and have my whits about me.  The good news: by the time he began his sexual flirtations he was pretty far gone already, otherwise he’d never have brought up anything as personal as sex at a restaurant, lest anyone should over hear our conversation.  So sadly, even our romantic dinners of spending quality time alone together tended to be a flop.  The irony, we got along well enough to want to do them together (though I dare say it the great food we craved more than the great company).  And, the intentions and reasons behind the dinner were still an important factor.  We wanted to love each other.  We just couldn’t do it and didn’t know how." KD

recommendations

"I guess I just wanted to have him realise that telling me how to do things felt like put-downs and I wanted him to stop and never do it again. Sure, he said they were recommendations, then why get so angry over a recommendation? And he always got angry when he made a recommendation and I chose not to do it. His anger suggested to me that he was giving more than a recommendation, he was giving an order, a command, and getting angry when I wasn’t following orders. I was an adult and didn’t have to take orders from him. Why couldn’t he see that and just stop doing it. In any case, why couldn’t he just learn that I never listened to his recommendations (orders) and just give it up?" KD

sex and the tampon

A funny story.

When times get hard and I question why I am with Mr on again off again, so much frustration, I think back to when we met.  We met at a night club where I was dancing and he was an intended one night stand.  Not because that was what I wanted but because it was all guys ever wanted.  Why would he be different and what difference did it make?  I was grieving over lost love and felt like something fun to take my mind off the empty house that waited for me.

We drive back to my joint and straight away I can tell he is different to other guys.  He is asking about my place, looking around, exploring, picking up a silastic gun and asking who's it is.  When I tell him it's mine he gives me an admiring grin.  I pour us vodka to drink and we drink on a mattress in the lounge room. When he does approach me he is sweet and caring.  As we kiss he senses my nervousness and says “Don’t be shy”.  He slowly undress me.  Doesn’t just get right to it.  He takes his time, touching, kissing exploring.  When he removes my knickers he stops and stares in awe.  He tells me I've the best pussy he’s ever seen.  Well, if he says so.  When I reach down to feel his groin I notice it is smooth and soft so I whip the covers back and pop down for a better inspection.  His body is hairless except for a small crop of hair around his penis.  His penis is hard yet smooth and his balls are like silk.  I am instantly as attracted to his groinage as he is to mine.

We spend the night fornicating and have a pleasurable enough time, though he doesn't bring me to climax, both falling asleep in a tipsy stupor.  When we wake in the morning we shower together and he lifts me up, pushes me against the shower wall and we do it again, tree trunk style.  I am impressed with his strength and his muscle tone.

Later on we’re dressed and sitting in my lounge room chatting.  I can’t help but notice he’s not chewing at the bit to escape.  He is happily spending time with me, not trying to do a runner.

Suddenly I burst out, “Oh shit” and go running to the bath room.  I remembered I have a tampon inside me.  My period was due any day and I put the tampon in the night before just in case I my period came while I was dancing.  Even though my period never came I forgot all about the tampon and totally forgot to take it out.  Reaching for it I find it has been pushed too far in from our fornicating and I cannot reach it.

Embarrassed I got out and tell him, “I have to go to the doctors”, thinking, if he wants to escape now is his chance to run.  He's not interested in doing a runner.  He wants to know why I need to go to the doctors and I tell him.  I’m expecting him to burst out laughing and think I am an absolute dork.  Instead he says he’ll come with me to the doctors.  We end up spending the day together.

With a beginning like that it is not hard to see why I deal with all the shit.

memories are funny things

Memories are funny things.  You can't quite recall them yet they exist.

Think of the last mind blowing sex you had?  You can maybe recall where, when, with whom.  What you were wearing or not wearing, what the temperature was like.  You know it was good.  Yet you can't really recall how it felt when you climaxed.  How awesome it was.

What about the time you broke your arm or cut the tips of your fingers off while using a carving knife.  Or labour.  You know it hurt.  You remember it hurt.  And yet you cannot recall the pain vividly.  It is now a fleeting memory that you know happened, yet cannot feel.

When I look back through photo albums I see pictures that trigger a memory.  I remember that party.  I remember how drunk I got and threw up everywhere.  I remember that really gorgeous guy I knew.  He looks good in the photo I took of him.  Yet to close my eyes and recall his voice or his smile or a conversation we had.  They memories don't come.  I know I was sad when he left.  Devastated.  Gut wrenching crushed.  I can recall how I cried and screamed for him to return, to come back to me.

Now I think of it, I know I was sad.  I still miss him.  Or the person he was back then.  Yet I cannot recall the intimate moments with him.  The last time we made love - except that I cried because I knew it was our last time together.

Parents who take photos of babies because they want to remember how tiny their newborn baby is, or how cute their 2year old, or their child's first day at school.  Looking back at the photos seeing the pictures takes you back in time for a minute although you cannot recall how tiny your newborn baby was or how they sounded when they cried in the middle of the night.  Or all the cute, funny, new things your 2year old said and did.

Memories of pain fade away so we don't spend the rest of life feeling that pain.  Labour is forgotten so a mother will want to do it again.  Sex is forgotten so we'll want to enjoy sex again and again.

Then when we pass all our memories go with us.  People will look back on a photo of great granddad standing tall and proud, with no idea what was going on at the time the photo was taken.  Was he a happy and content man or did he have unfulfilled dreams.

Memories are funny things...

backward way of advertising

Sex sells.  We’ve all heard that before.  As a female I hear it a lot from people justifying yet another sexualised advert, show or video clip.

“Men are more visual”

“Men are more aroused by what they see”(as though this is a good thing!)

“When men like what they see they buy something”

“Women are not as visual which is why ads are not aimed at them”

There are flaws with this theory.

#1: prove to me that men are more visual.  From where I stand I am just as visual as any man I know.  You show me an ad with a hunky man compared to an ad with a regular man and I know which ad I prefer, I also know which product would appeal to me more.   When I see a half naked man I pause to look.  When I see a hot man I turn my head to watch him pass.  I may not get sexually aroused by what I see, like I’m told men do (who says this is a good thing anyway?), though I still like what I see, I'm still visual and still want to see more.

To prove the point the recent Old Spice ad with the hunky bloke asking ladies to “look at your man, now look back at me” was a mega hit!  So is it really that women are not as visual as men… or just male CEO”s trying to convince us that women aren’t as visual.  In truth I think men fear being sex objects as much as women don’t like being sexualized.  They fear women ogling men as much as they enjoy the liberty of ogling women.

#2: is it a good thing to be arousing all the boys and men in our society?  It is no wonder that sex addiction in western societies is on the increase!  As soon as your old enough to see you learn sex is the MUST HAVE thing of the decade.  Boys must have it.  Girls must be it.

[Incidentally sex addiction only occurs in counties with overt and blatant sexualization of its people – experts equates this to sex addiction not being a real condition and that it is really about sexualization being easily accessible.  The term sex addiction is just an excuse for lack of control. I wonder why men want to give their control away so easily?]

#3: I’ve been told sex sells ads geared towards women have been tried yet fail dismally.  Ok.  I’ve lived a number of years on this planet and in my life time I’ve seen only a handful of sex sells ads geared towards women.  One of which (about oranges and male butts with the slogan “Just squeeze”) was banned because men didn’t like its sexual connotations.  Where as an ad with the slogan “Go for the lemon” about a barmaid in a mini reaching for a lemon is perfectly acceptable by men for its sexual connotations (slightly hypocritical and one sided I think).

I once dated a guy who would fly into a rage any time there was a hunky man on TV, accusing me of wanting to screw the guy – and this wasn’t even sexualized men on TV - while he openly ogled females on TV.  Perhaps if the tables were turned and ads were aimed at women this is what we’d have to contend with.  Guys constantly feeling insecure about themselves because the imagines of hunky men make them feel less of a man.  Men don’t seem to realize this is how women feel.  Or they don’t care or thinks it’s normal.

We think sexualised ads aimed at boys and men are ok, normal, alright, necessary.  And I say boys because our sons are privy to these images.  You can't leave your house without seeing some sexy half naked chick somewhere, on a billboard, a bus, a bumper sticker, magazines stands.

"I see half naked girls... they're every where"

#4 if men already have high libidos while women have low libidos and men wish women had higher libidos, would it not make more sense to reverse the roles and create ads targeted AT women instead of men?  Why keep arousing men with titillating ads when their libidos are already high?  Why refuse to arouse women with ads geared towards them when men wish women had higher libidos?

I know it's also a spending thing and men have more money than women.  There is more money to be made from men which is another reason for sex sells being geared towards them and not us.

I guess sexualization is about power.  You can’t have power as a man while you’re a sex object and it goes to say that women cannot have power while we are being sexualized.  It is safe when you think about it, to keep women sexualized while refusing to sexualize men.  If men were as sexualized as women we’d be equal and thus the power would shift.  Just an idea.

At the same time sexulization takes away a man's power to choose weather to be aroused or not.  The simple fact that sex addiction is common in westernized civilizations shows men out of control.  Perhaps sexulization is not 'more power to men' after all.

more popular than you think

when i was in school i had no idea anyone fancied me.  i was so involved with my friends and my interests i didn't pay attention to anyone who might have liked me.  at the same time i assumed no boy at my school like me enough to want to be my boyfriend or ask me out.  this was ok.  i liked boys, plenty of them, yet not enough to want to go out with them.  i went on dates here and there and had lots of passing crushes, had male friends and flirted with boys i liked. i was in the arty crowd.  i sang and danced and painted murals on the school walls.

after i left school is when i found out i had admirers.  people started to tell me things i hadn't realised.  this boy or that boy had a crush on me back then.  one time i was on a train years after i'd left school and this boy comes up to me saying my name asking me if went to such n such school.  yes.  he tells me he was in such n such class.  do i remember him?  turns out he knew me from grade primary school!  he remembered me all those years later.  i did remember him.  i had liked him back then.  turns out he had liked me too.  we phoned each other a couple of times after that and met up once.  nothing came of it.

you're probably going through school thinking no-one likes you or gives a shit.  chances are some one does.

train story .. sick girl

A young girl was sick on the train.  16 or 17 years old maybe.  She was with her boyfriend and he was very supportive.  "It's o.k., don't worry, these things happen..."  He grabbed a newspaper to help clean and cover the mess.  All the while speaking kindly and positive  to her.  He told her to wait until we all got off the train at Flinders St., give herself time to recover before getting up.

Wonder what made her ill?  The boy was so loving, caring and supportive.